Just thought I would share the finished product of the painting I referred to in my last post, at least for those of you that haven’t seen it. Van Gogh I am not!
LIFE IS WHAT YOU DO WHILE WAITING FOR DEATH
Waiting for the burn. Not any kind of “fun” burn but the burn as in “crash and burn”. You sit and wait. You feel it, really it has been here all along but you have managed to push it away over and over like pushing away someone trying to overpower you. This is different because there are no balls to kick, no throat to punch and no eyes to jab. It is what it is at that moment when you finally realize that you are an irritable bitch not because you are tired but because tired and bitch go together when the world crashes. Your mind spins and races while nothing gets done. I believe they call this a “mixed state”. If you have never been here, on a regular basis, then you can’t understand, ever. I can’t even try to explain it to you as it is unfathomable in the “real” world. It is the middle meeting ground of mental illness. The place that makes you realize that death is real and near. Events as of late have helped to exacerbate the swing more than I know, at least that is what I think the head shrinker was trying to say in her lovable accent. I thought, really believed, that 2013 was it. It would be my year. A published story, a man that I was in love with that supposedly loved in return, the prospect of a life that has eluded me in recent years. Instead, I struggle to stay on task. Even the dishes have become my worst enemy in the last couple of days. I have been working on a painting. All work has ceased as of late, I realized today that I had been waiting for this moment of darkness to finish it. I sometimes wonder who, if anyone, in my family shares these genetics. I have a feeling some do but are afraid of what admission means to the genius that is them. I am a surprise, even to myself. A surprise wrapped up in a pretty bow.
WATER YOUR OWN DAMNED GRASS!!
It appears that I have been kidnapped by aliens and dropped back to earth in the middle of a huge, fenced field. My logic says “there is nowhere to go but up” so I must head North. My mindset says “everything seems to be headed South” so down I go. My wisdom says ” head towards the rising sun” so my body pulls East BUT my attitude says “screw it, Im going to the nearest beach” so West I go! Soon, I am soon, I need salt air and ocean sounds. Somebody get a damned cattle prod, we are going to need it I think. Goodnight.
THE POST BIRTHDAY LOWDOWN
Well, it is over and done for another year. My little man had his birthday this week and so did I. I think we did it up pretty darn good too. On Saturday, a friend, Cowboy, took me out to lunch and then to Toms Farms to acquire some VERY specific Jelly Bellys for the sweet side of my palate. We went to Miguels for lunch and it was wonderful food and Cowboy kept dropping the “birthday” card so they would sing to me. HA! I threatened them with no tip (even though I wasn’t paying) so I ended up with a yummy birthday flan, complete with candle, and two very accommodating waiters serenading me, very softly so no attention was drawn. It was PERFECT! We were going to go riding but his bike had been damaged day before by some dodo on the cell phone and not paying attention. I am sort of glad it played out this was because it ended up very enjoyable for me. I hope him too 
I spent the night at home with my little men and my MIL.
Today we went to Castle Amusement Park with my kids, my sis and her kiddos and a couple of friends. It was hot out. PERFECT I thought. The sun was shining and the crowds were very minimal. Had some more birthday cake and then pizza after at home.
It was AWESOME to be alive today with no drama, no fights and surrounded by people I love!
WHO’S # 41??? BOY DID THAT GO ALL WRONG!
Happy Birthday to myself. The pumpkin above says “HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY” because today is the first day of the 2nd half of my life. I feel a bit lighter today and I am running with it, like the wind! It is beautiful out, I live in Southern California that some people can’t stand but damnit, I like it! I have these cards called “self-care cards” and decided to start using them again today along with these “power thought cards” that I found and I shall share what day one is telling me!
Today’s self care card is “HELP” and on the back it says, “Ask for help, receiving is an act of generosity”. How true I have found this to be the last week
Power thought cards say,
1. ” I LOVE LIFE! It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love life”~~~How true~~~
2. “LOVING OTHERS IS EASY WHEN I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF! My heart is open. I allow my love to flow freely. I love myself. I love others and others love me.”
3. “I ACCEPT MY UNIQUENESS! There is no competition and no comparison, for we are all different and meant to be that way. I am special and wonderful. I love myself.”
I feel good today and I am going out to lunch Have a superb day everyone and thank you so much for loving me. Remember, even if you are a hater, you are really an admirer that hasn’t realized it yet!!
IS IT REALLY ALL UP FROM HERE?
I have been taking a stroll through my mind this last week. I suppose it has actually been more of a rugged hike. I have found small cracks and huge crevices in the surface of my being, thank the universe that I never fell in to one. I have seen small joys in my mind’s eye and even had a few laughs. I do have to say that those laughs felt more like a stressed out manic overload. I have been shown such care and concern and yet I feel as if I am alone. I logically know that I am not. I have a phone full of names that would be overjoyed to hear from me and a computer with people ready to spar with me intellectually, emotionally, stupidly and yea probably even sexually.
SIDE NOTE: I only added the “probably” because mom may be reading this, Bwahahahaha.
I know who I am, mostly, but damn I am having a hell of a time grabbing myself and returning to earth. I think it may be the disappointment that I feel so deeply in myself. I know that everyone makes mistakes but I am so hard on myself. I don’t know how to “let it go” when it comes to myself. Hell, I hardly know how to let it go when it comes to others. I am a championship grudge holder. I am holding a big grudge against myself. I am writing it all here because I feel like when I say it aloud to somebody all I hear come out of my mouth is, “woe is me”. Pathetic. That of course makes it worse because now not only am I holding a grudge, disappointed and depressed, now I am pathetic too. FUCK!
I have been thinking of something the last week and I have only shared it once but I am going to lay it out here right now. Have you ever thought, in the deep “what is life” sort of way, that for one person to make it, another has to go? I survived, so far physically, my ordeal last Friday night but early Saturday morning another woman that many of my friends know through our riding adventures, died. It was a totally freak accident really. She was riding her motorcycle north on the freeway and a truck that was driving south apparently hit a side ditch, lost control and hit the middle concrete barrier. It is my understanding that the concrete broke apart and one of the pieces flew to the other side of the freeway, striking her. She left this world at the scene of the accident. I feel so much for this and I did not even know her. Logically I know it was her time and not mine but why? She was 41 and her funeral is tomorrow, ironically the same day as my 41st birthday. Wendy, I didn’t know you personally but through my friends and feeling their pain I know you were a beautiful soul.
I am trying, just so everyone knows, to climb out of this but it has been like a double whammy for me. Please know that I am not looking for your sympathy, I am just trying to climb and I thought this might help, putting it all down. I love myself, I do. I love my family and friends. I love my boys more than the universe (that’s what they would say). I am struggling now. This lesson is hard and I don’t know how to solve it…yet.
Wendy Stone
Memorial Service
Saturday, April 27, 2013
2:30p.m.
Acheson & Graham Garden of Prayer Mortuary
7944 Magnolia Ave.
Riverside, California 92504
