Monthly Archives: January 2013



So the votes have been cast and the decision is in, Riverside is going to sell the .43 acres under the iconic cross on Mt Rubidoux. So let’s throw all my opinions about that aside and focus on what needs to be done now.


There are a couple of groups that are talking about putting in bids for it and then somehow, that group would own and maintain the area. I think that we need to think about what restrictions may be placed by each group, etc. I had a brief back and forth with EJ over at and he had a BRILLIANT (I think) idea. What if the biker community came together and raised the money to try and buy the cross, as a group, many together to form one whole. Now don’t answer right away, put it in your head and think about it for a minute. Think about why you ride. Why did you start? Was it the freedom of it? Did the rebel scream to get out? Was it the unity? The brotherhood? In my humble opinion, all of those things are needed here to save this historic symbol of hope.


I look up at that cross when I drive by and my heart melts in a way just knowing that I belong here as much as that cross. I know that I am not the only person that feels this way.  I just have a heart full of passion and a mouth big enough to voice it! Maybe I could even get some Harley dealers involved, like Skip Fordyce. Word of mouth travels fast and this is an internationally read blog, could be good business for them. Helping the community is a wonderful, selfless thing.

Moving along or now, I don’t have specifics on the fund raising part, I am looking for some feedback from the people I am reaching out to. What do you all think? Do you believe enough to make it happen? I KNOW that we could do this, save this symbol of UNITY and HOPE. You don’t have to be a believer in the Judeo Christian belief system to want this.

I will blog in a few days about any updates, etc. In the meantime, PLEASE contact me with any ideas.  I am going to give an email address you can write to if you can’t comment here. You get nasty and I am sending out the big dogs!


Well Ain’t That a CoInky Dink?


What exactly is coincidence to you? Is it when you run in to that HOT guy that you have been thinking about all day? Not just run in to him but **BOOM** there he is, suddenly standing next to you in the most unlikely place. An all lesbian AA meeting perhaps? I mean, think about it- what are the odds? As a matter of fact, why are you here? You like men and drinks and having drinks with men and you are NOT about to give either up!


I don’t think that I believe in coincidence. Sometimes I question it all but for the most part I truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We just don’t understand the “whys” at the time. Lessons, good and bad must come to all of us and that karma bus just keeps driving around waiting for the next poor soul to jump under it. None of us mere humans know why the universe is going to throw these things our way and I think that so many of us just brush these things under the rug. I also love when we get to say fun stuff like, “oh, it’s just that new medication I am on, must be side effects” or “I am so tired that I am seeing and hearing things”. We all crave proof of something, anything, but we are too blind to see when it’s happening.

I hung out with an old friend tonight and we “wined” about her mom passing away last night. There were tears and lots of laughs, memories, wisdom, fear exposed and who knows what else because my exhausted brain can’t remember. I do know though that it was good shit and I wouldn’t change it for the world, just her and I hanging out for the most part. I miss her and don’t see her enough.


So would it be “coincidence” that on the way to see her, a song I hadn’t heard in ages came on the radio and with the greatest of ease, I said hi to her mom and mentally thanked her for coming along. I had only been half paying attention and really didn’t even realize what the song was until I said it. I thought it was odd because it didn’t seem to fit anywhere. During my visit, I learned of a dream she had had the night before, the night her mom passed and to me it was clear why I would feel and say that to that particular song. I don’t know if she feels it too but I don’t want to push.

Have you ever been thinking about someone you loved that died, maybe having a conversation, even questions and it seemed like everything that happened or you heard fit exactly in to that? I have many, many times. Even on New Year’s eve, it happened in the day and again at night, right before midnight. Then at midnight I received a text message from a woman who is very tied in with that person too. Almost creepy but I am coming to embrace it. It’s almost fun now. I mean who knows if it’s true but damn it is nice to think so sometimes. To feel like “the other side” is reaching out to you as much as you want to them.


I know that there are many things that we don’t understand and are curious about. I believe most people have faith in what they choose to believe but there has to be a small piece of doubt somewhere, right? Finding the truth is an individual journey that can lead you straight to crazy if you let it, but wouldn’t it be so worth the straight jacket if you KNEW in the end? I have had way too many “coincidences” happen to me and I have denied them, I don’t anymore and I can see people look at me with concern sometimes! Haha.

I love trying to grasp the supernatural and it’s coincidences. Now it’s more the regular life coincidence that throws me off! 



Well, it is official, 2012 has come and gone and I have been pondering for days what this means to me. The people, situations and everything/anything else that has touched my life in some way over the last 365 days. Say that out loud first, “365 days”, it sounds so incredibly insignificant, such a small number on the scale of potentially 29,200 days (give or take a few), we call “our lifetime”.  Think about the things you have done or failed to do, the things you have aspired to, dreamt about, wished for. What things have you done selflessly? What have you given to others or taken from them?  What kind of person were you? Would you be friends with that person? Would you listen to their advice? On a percentage scale, I give myself 77%. I mostly like the things I have done and said; sometimes I am just a bitch.


I have cried for myself and others, in empathy and sadness. I have shed tears because I was happy. I have learned that my 5 year old can read at a 3rd grade level without stumbling over the words. I have watched my 7 year old struggle and seemingly regress in his reading and felt my heart ache for him as he grew increasingly frustrated. My 18 year old was taken in to a college to play water polo and then leave that team to go to another college to play because the coaches wanted him. He wanted to be the best at it only to be hurt so badly in the 1st game that he could not play nor go to class for weeks. He was dropped from college and withdrew from everyone including me. Again, my heart ached because he couldn’t find his way. I have seen them all triumph at things. Zack graduated from high school, Benjamin started kindergarten and Noah realized that he was special because he was born somewhere else. They are all intelligent, funny individuals and I love them “more than the universe”.

dr seuss

I turned 40 this year and I am so very okay with it. HiHi threw an amazing party where I was surrounded by friends and family. I had them paint pictures of me, for me. How they saw me. These pictures are now all hanging in my hallway to remind me that I am awesome and so are they. I get to see them every day. They look at me and I look at them. Sometimes I just stand there and take in each individual one that was created at the hands of those I love. I think I had the best birthday idea EVER…just sayin’. Bwahahahaha.  I have sat countless hours talking to others and trying to help them understand the illness that we share. I have lifted their spirits at times when I couldn’t even lift my own. I have melted and been molded back together, by myself and others. I have had my ass kicked by bipolar disorder countless times this year.  I have been humbled time and time again by the circumstances of others. I accept the appropriate lesson from it and strive to make things better. I have made others smile and laugh. I have brought comfort to those who needed it.

ghost hand

I “heard” from a friend, that she was safe and happy. I met a woman this year that I waited 20 years to meet and she has shown me as much as I her. She text me last night right after midnight and again it almost bought me to tears because it again showed me that the “coincidence” of life, isn’t always “coincidence”.  I rekindled a friendship that I lost 20 years ago. Seems 20 years was a huge milestone this year. I lost an old friend who decided to marry a new friend this year. I had my 2nd annual New Year’s Eve breakfast which proved to be vastly different from last years. Kind of sad really, not that it wasn’t fun still but sad just the same. I have watched as a couple of friends gained that which they wanted so badly and others lose all that they hoped for, sometimes repeatedly. I have cried for them, although they do not know it, it is about them, not me. I became a GODMOTHER last week and I am so honored and thrilled to have this happen.  He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud and thankful to call his mother my best friend.  I have seen my favorite cousin have his 2nd book published and felt so proud again that I have seen this come to fruition. He doesn’t know it yet but his books are going to be great sellers, I know, I feel it.

I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I don’t think. I found someone that makes me over think things because we are very different. I don’t know what will happen with it from day to day. I know of many men that want to date or just sleep with me. I don’t know where that will go from day to day, I am flattered yet wary.

I have hurt some people with my words when that wasn’t my intention and others I have shred apart with that being my soul purpose at the time. Don’t screw with me too much or those I love because I will find a way to destroy.

I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The “real” ones know who they are, the ones that think they are the “real” ones but aren’t sure, yea, you aren’t. THOSE PEOPLE KNOW IF THEY ARE WHO I REFER TO. I am blessed beyond belief to be alive another year and to be able to try to improve my ways of motherhood and friendship. I am not always the best friend or mother, I know this and I am harder on myself about it than anyone else could ever be. I am not perfect and never will be. There are so many things I want to do, I have a list, and I don’t know where to start or how to do them. I will do my best to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, this year has started out good because I am ready to live.