Well, it is official, 2012 has come and gone and I have been pondering for days what this means to me. The people, situations and everything/anything else that has touched my life in some way over the last 365 days. Say that out loud first, “365 days”, it sounds so incredibly insignificant, such a small number on the scale of potentially 29,200 days (give or take a few), we call “our lifetime”. Think about the things you have done or failed to do, the things you have aspired to, dreamt about, wished for. What things have you done selflessly? What have you given to others or taken from them? What kind of person were you? Would you be friends with that person? Would you listen to their advice? On a percentage scale, I give myself 77%. I mostly like the things I have done and said; sometimes I am just a bitch.
I have cried for myself and others, in empathy and sadness. I have shed tears because I was happy. I have learned that my 5 year old can read at a 3rd grade level without stumbling over the words. I have watched my 7 year old struggle and seemingly regress in his reading and felt my heart ache for him as he grew increasingly frustrated. My 18 year old was taken in to a college to play water polo and then leave that team to go to another college to play because the coaches wanted him. He wanted to be the best at it only to be hurt so badly in the 1st game that he could not play nor go to class for weeks. He was dropped from college and withdrew from everyone including me. Again, my heart ached because he couldn’t find his way. I have seen them all triumph at things. Zack graduated from high school, Benjamin started kindergarten and Noah realized that he was special because he was born somewhere else. They are all intelligent, funny individuals and I love them “more than the universe”.
I turned 40 this year and I am so very okay with it. HiHi threw an amazing party where I was surrounded by friends and family. I had them paint pictures of me, for me. How they saw me. These pictures are now all hanging in my hallway to remind me that I am awesome and so are they. I get to see them every day. They look at me and I look at them. Sometimes I just stand there and take in each individual one that was created at the hands of those I love. I think I had the best birthday idea EVER…just sayin’. Bwahahahaha. I have sat countless hours talking to others and trying to help them understand the illness that we share. I have lifted their spirits at times when I couldn’t even lift my own. I have melted and been molded back together, by myself and others. I have had my ass kicked by bipolar disorder countless times this year. I have been humbled time and time again by the circumstances of others. I accept the appropriate lesson from it and strive to make things better. I have made others smile and laugh. I have brought comfort to those who needed it.
I “heard” from a friend, that she was safe and happy. I met a woman this year that I waited 20 years to meet and she has shown me as much as I her. She text me last night right after midnight and again it almost bought me to tears because it again showed me that the “coincidence” of life, isn’t always “coincidence”. I rekindled a friendship that I lost 20 years ago. Seems 20 years was a huge milestone this year. I lost an old friend who decided to marry a new friend this year. I had my 2nd annual New Year’s Eve breakfast which proved to be vastly different from last years. Kind of sad really, not that it wasn’t fun still but sad just the same. I have watched as a couple of friends gained that which they wanted so badly and others lose all that they hoped for, sometimes repeatedly. I have cried for them, although they do not know it, it is about them, not me. I became a GODMOTHER last week and I am so honored and thrilled to have this happen. He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud and thankful to call his mother my best friend. I have seen my favorite cousin have his 2nd book published and felt so proud again that I have seen this come to fruition. He doesn’t know it yet but his books are going to be great sellers, I know, I feel it.
I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I don’t think. I found someone that makes me over think things because we are very different. I don’t know what will happen with it from day to day. I know of many men that want to date or just sleep with me. I don’t know where that will go from day to day, I am flattered yet wary.
I have hurt some people with my words when that wasn’t my intention and others I have shred apart with that being my soul purpose at the time. Don’t screw with me too much or those I love because I will find a way to destroy.
I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The “real” ones know who they are, the ones that think they are the “real” ones but aren’t sure, yea, you aren’t. THOSE PEOPLE KNOW IF THEY ARE WHO I REFER TO. I am blessed beyond belief to be alive another year and to be able to try to improve my ways of motherhood and friendship. I am not always the best friend or mother, I know this and I am harder on myself about it than anyone else could ever be. I am not perfect and never will be. There are so many things I want to do, I have a list, and I don’t know where to start or how to do them. I will do my best to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, this year has started out good because I am ready to live.