Well, it is over and done for another year. My little man had his birthday this week and so did I. I think we did it up pretty darn good too. On Saturday, a friend, Cowboy, took me out to lunch and then to Toms Farms to acquire some VERY specific Jelly Bellys for the sweet side of my palate. We went to Miguels for lunch and it was wonderful food and Cowboy kept dropping the “birthday” card so they would sing to me. HA! I threatened them with no tip (even though I wasn’t paying) so I ended up with a yummy birthday flan, complete with candle, and two very accommodating waiters serenading me, very softly so no attention was drawn. It was PERFECT! We were going to go riding but his bike had been damaged day before by some dodo on the cell phone and not paying attention. I am sort of glad it played out this was because it ended up very enjoyable for me. I hope him too 🙂 I spent the night at home with my little men and my MIL.
Today we went to Castle Amusement Park with my kids, my sis and her kiddos and a couple of friends. It was hot out. PERFECT I thought. The sun was shining and the crowds were very minimal. Had some more birthday cake and then pizza after at home.
It was AWESOME to be alive today with no drama, no fights and surrounded by people I love!
Happy Birthday to myself. The pumpkin above says “HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY” because today is the first day of the 2nd half of my life. I feel a bit lighter today and I am running with it, like the wind! It is beautiful out, I live in Southern California that some people can’t stand but damnit, I like it! I have these cards called “self-care cards” and decided to start using them again today along with these “power thought cards” that I found and I shall share what day one is telling me!
Today’s self care card is “HELP” and on the back it says, “Ask for help, receiving is an act of generosity”. How true I have found this to be the last week 🙂
Power thought cards say,
1. ” I LOVE LIFE! It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love life”~~~How true~~~
2. “LOVING OTHERS IS EASY WHEN I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF! My heart is open. I allow my love to flow freely. I love myself. I love others and others love me.”
3. “I ACCEPT MY UNIQUENESS! There is no competition and no comparison, for we are all different and meant to be that way. I am special and wonderful. I love myself.”
I feel good today and I am going out to lunch Have a superb day everyone and thank you so much for loving me. Remember, even if you are a hater, you are really an admirer that hasn’t realized it yet!!
I have been taking a stroll through my mind this last week. I suppose it has actually been more of a rugged hike. I have found small cracks and huge crevices in the surface of my being, thank the universe that I never fell in to one. I have seen small joys in my mind’s eye and even had a few laughs. I do have to say that those laughs felt more like a stressed out manic overload. I have been shown such care and concern and yet I feel as if I am alone. I logically know that I am not. I have a phone full of names that would be overjoyed to hear from me and a computer with people ready to spar with me intellectually, emotionally, stupidly and yea probably even sexually.
SIDE NOTE: I only added the “probably” because mom may be reading this, Bwahahahaha.
I know who I am, mostly, but damn I am having a hell of a time grabbing myself and returning to earth. I think it may be the disappointment that I feel so deeply in myself. I know that everyone makes mistakes but I am so hard on myself. I don’t know how to “let it go” when it comes to myself. Hell, I hardly know how to let it go when it comes to others. I am a championship grudge holder. I am holding a big grudge against myself. I am writing it all here because I feel like when I say it aloud to somebody all I hear come out of my mouth is, “woe is me”. Pathetic. That of course makes it worse because now not only am I holding a grudge, disappointed and depressed, now I am pathetic too. FUCK!
I have been thinking of something the last week and I have only shared it once but I am going to lay it out here right now. Have you ever thought, in the deep “what is life” sort of way, that for one person to make it, another has to go? I survived, so far physically, my ordeal last Friday night but early Saturday morning another woman that many of my friends know through our riding adventures, died. It was a totally freak accident really. She was riding her motorcycle north on the freeway and a truck that was driving south apparently hit a side ditch, lost control and hit the middle concrete barrier. It is my understanding that the concrete broke apart and one of the pieces flew to the other side of the freeway, striking her. She left this world at the scene of the accident. I feel so much for this and I did not even know her. Logically I know it was her time and not mine but why? She was 41 and her funeral is tomorrow, ironically the same day as my 41st birthday. Wendy, I didn’t know you personally but through my friends and feeling their pain I know you were a beautiful soul.
I am trying, just so everyone knows, to climb out of this but it has been like a double whammy for me. Please know that I am not looking for your sympathy, I am just trying to climb and I thought this might help, putting it all down. I love myself, I do. I love my family and friends. I love my boys more than the universe (that’s what they would say). I am struggling now. This lesson is hard and I don’t know how to solve it…yet.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Acheson & Graham Garden of Prayer Mortuary
7944 Magnolia Ave.
Riverside, California 92504
I had to accept today that the man I am in love with is NOT the person I need in my life. After trying to make things work and shedding so many tears, I had to come to the point of admitting that I, and my children, are not protected in this mans hands. It hasn’t been an easy road for me to travel but given the faith I have in things working out, I refused to give up. I think that PINK best sums it up in her song “Blow Me One Last Kiss”.
“White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I’ve got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, I’ve been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there’s nothing to grab so I let go…”
I fear that my age might have me thinking that my love life will never be right. Never be what he wants or what I want. Never mesh together quite right. We went together pretty damn well on most everything but drinking and the level of “LOVE” given. I kept believing he would see and prove himself but when you only see yourself that can never happen. It is sad to me that he doesn’t see the disappointment that is etched on the faces of those that love him and yet he hangs on to those that tell him “everything is good” and “he’s right” and “hey, lets just party it away”. As sad as I am for myself and what I am feeling over having to walk away, I am just as sad for him on so many other levels and that is because I love him. He meant something to me, something big.
Sometimes I really hate when my friends are right. Looking at the upside, I learned a HUGE lesson and that is that I am not so incredibly tainted that I can’t love with all my heart and soul, because I can and I did. Nothing is ever an accident. I wonder if he will ever realize what he screwed up…
Tonight I have something very important to say. Not everyone will know what I am talking about but those close to me will and for now, that is all that matters. Those close to me will also have opinions on the part involving a man and I know them all, trust me, I have heard you all. What you don’t know is the other side but that doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that I am grateful to be sitting in my bed, writing this, regardless of the confusion and jumbled thoughts floating through. My inability to grasp what has happened, at least completely.
I caused an accident this weekend that thankfully hurt nobody but me, and my pain is more emotional than physical. I have lost about 4 hours of my night and have struggled to let my control freak self-go so that I can accept this is how it is. The accident only involved me and my car. My guardian angel wasn’t looking out for me; she was looking out for everybody else.
I have been so wrapped up in drama created by others that I realize I have started to lose who I am and what I believe in. I am in love with a man; I have been for a long time. He isn’t perfect but neither am I. I understand him although like most, I think he struggles to understand me. I have said before that I am like a puzzle that you take so much time to put together but at the end, there are still pieces missing. You can still see the beauty but it isn’t complete. The drama came to a head this weekend and I lost it, and him. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be but it still hurts me. Is he an asshole? Yes he can be but if you saw what I see in his eyes and the things he has taught me, you would understand.
How do I know I love him? I’m doing my normal things differently. Instead of running from, I keep running to. I don’t want anyone else, at least not at this point. We can be friends but anything else is probably going to have to wait. It is going to take me some time before I am ready (that in itself speaks volumes). This man asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was going to. Now it is over and I am sorry for my part in it. Anyways, enough about that for now, it will all work itself out. Somehow.
I have been given another chance to take the reins in my life and make it my own. I am done with everyone’s drama; I have enough shit on my own plate to work on. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about something affecting your life, my life or our life, then by all means let’s do it. If you are looking at trying to keep me down or screw up my life with bullshit and lies then kindly fuck off.
I am sorry if you take offense to this and I know in the past I have overloaded myself trying to help everyone or be there for everyone but I realize that I just can’t. I am truly wondering if I know who all my real friends are anymore. That makes me sad.
I read a blog today that touched me and found myself wanting to share this. Now it was not written recently but still lingers in my head just the same as it is a constant roller coaster that I am either standing in line for or am already riding.
My mind is like a beach
Important memories and dates are left imprinted
Like footprints on wet sand that prove an existence
Only to be washed away by the next wave of mental destruction
that crashes over it
The fleeting moments of unabashed sanity are like
the tiny sand crabs that hurry under the surface
The formed thoughts like the tangle of kelp
left washed up on the shore to die.
My personal entity no more stable
than the tide.
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Well, I am here to report that the Mt. Rubidoux cross is apparently in good hands. The auction was held this morning and a coalition of community groups calling themselves “Totally Mt. Rubidoux” threw out the winning bid of $10,500. Did you hear that Cuz-J? Damn you should have come bid! We could have raised some money between us and owned and preserved the monument and cared for it ourselves (which of course means me because I live here and you don’t). Oh well, what is done is done. Anyways, it appears that the cross will be staying put where it belongs. I am glad that enough people cared about it. Angry Pumpkin reporting from the front lines.
Today started out hurt and angry and the angry pumpkin was going to tell you all about it. You can always hope to hear about it still because who knows what tomorrow brings, right? Good thing Cuz-J has taught me to write and then sit on my shit for a moment or two. If I hadn’t been taught that then I would spout off uncontrollably (well I still do sometimes), because I don’t really care who knows what for the most part. I have nothing to hide from anyone, I try (notice the “TRY”) to do things that I won’t regret and to give things and people my all so that I don’t have to walk away feeling like it was me and I didn’t do enough. This way I know I did my best and am grateful for whatever I learned ever if it sucks ass sometimes and trust me, sometimes it does.
The bottom line, cliff notes of the story is that I have not only been hurt but have allowed persons to hurt me. I don’t like lies or liars, I think we may have established that somewhere. I don’t know how many times I have to waste my breath saying that I see most everything around me and just because I say nothing about it doesn’t mean that I don’t know or see or hear. I make choices to shut my eyes, close my mouth and have faith (or plain stupidity). I have great faith in love, even if I try to come off as the hard ass sometimes. Love always wins. That is what I tell myself anyways but it isn’t true. Sometimes love is not enough. You can only tell someone so much how important they are to you, trying to somehow convince them that it’s okay to be scared, vulnerable and open. To be honest. Solid foundations are needed in ANY relationship; love, friendship, family…all of them. When that foundation shakes and you are the only one fighting for it then it will not work. Proven more when people try to turn blame away from themselves on to the person trying to save everything. I could say all kinds of mean things here but I believe that fear is the factor that drives someone to lie. Fear is huge and grips your heart and soul like no other emotion. Fear of love, friendship, failure, success, everything known to the human species. Some people may not have too much fear driving them but you can always tell who does because they are the ones that try to convince you that they are afraid of nothing. Sad but true.
Now, I will be the first to stand up in this forum and say, “My name is Angry Pumpkin and I am chock-full of fear”. I still live. I still love. I am still vulnerable. I am NOT perfect and I face my fears, sometimes by force and sometimes by choice. I have to face them today, tonight and tomorrow. It’s going to be awhile I think, at least for this particular fear. I will survive, most of us will. Maybe being stubborn helps so I embrace that. I am sad for those who lead an empty existence because of fear. They find other ways to fill the spaces where fear may lay in wait. That doesn’t work for me. I feel bad for them, even if they don’t feel bad for what has happened.
Philophobia – Fear of love.
Phobophobia – Fear of phobias (in other words, fear of fear)