**TOP NEWS STORY**
This just in…Scientists have just released a new test for men. It has been found that ALL men should take this test to determine if any changes need to be made in order to save their souls. It is EXTREMELY simple to take. No needles and no need to pee in a cup! All you have to do is bump in to me, exchange casual conversation and a few laughs. If I decide that you are worthy enough for me to date then you have obtained a GUARANTEED POSITIVE result. Yep, you are most definitely a DOUCHE BAG!! After obtaining your result you then have some HUGE decisions to make be it an attitude adjustment or years of therapy and possibly medication. At least you will know and can be educated on the matter. The rest is up to you. Hurry, don’t wait another minute, call NOW!1-800-FUCK YOU. Wait! There’s more, if you are one of the first 500 callers we will give you a free set of GINSU steak knives. Don’t delay!!
Angry Pumpkin Out Of Control 
Well it’s so reassuring to know that I am not a douchebag
Happy Monday morning to you Dan! Your sarcasm runs deep but you seem to be missing the “GOOD NEWS” even though you said it yourself…YOU are NOT a douchebag!!