Tonight I have something very important to say. Not everyone will know what I am talking about but those close to me will and for now, that is all that matters. Those close to me will also have opinions on the part involving a man and I know them all, trust me, I have heard you all. What you don’t know is the other side but that doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that I am grateful to be sitting in my bed, writing this, regardless of the confusion and jumbled thoughts floating through. My inability to grasp what has happened, at least completely.

I caused an accident this weekend that thankfully hurt nobody but me, and my pain is more emotional than physical. I have lost about 4 hours of my night and have struggled to let my control freak self-go so that I can accept this is how it is. The accident only involved me and my car. My guardian angel wasn’t looking out for me; she was looking out for everybody else.


I have been so wrapped up in drama created by others that I realize I have started to lose who I am and what I believe in. I am in love with a man; I have been for a long time. He isn’t perfect but neither am I. I understand him although like most, I think he struggles to understand me. I have said before that I am like a puzzle that you take so much time to put together but at the end, there are still pieces missing. You can still see the beauty but it isn’t complete. The drama came to a head this weekend and I lost it, and him. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be but it still hurts me. Is he an asshole? Yes he can be but if you saw what I see in his eyes and the things he has taught me, you would understand.

How do I know I love him? I’m doing my normal things differently. Instead of running from, I keep running to. I don’t want anyone else, at least not at this point. We can be friends but anything else is probably going to have to wait. It is going to take me some time before I am ready (that in itself speaks volumes). This man asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was going to. Now it is over and I am sorry for my part in it.  Anyways, enough about that for now, it will all work itself out. Somehow. 


I have been given another chance to take the reins in my life and make it my own. I am done with everyone’s drama; I have enough shit on my own plate to work on. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about something affecting your life, my life or our life, then by all means let’s do it. If you are looking at trying to keep me down or screw up my life with bullshit and lies then kindly fuck off.


I am sorry if you take offense to this and I know in the past I have overloaded myself trying to help everyone or be there for everyone but I realize that I just can’t. I am truly wondering if I know who all my real friends are anymore. That makes me sad.


About angrypumpkinoutofcontrol

Who am I? You know, oddly enough I don’t know what to say. I am a single (again) mom in So Cal. I am trying to get myself and my 3 boys through life. I am a cynical romantic. I am opinionated and generally not afraid to share said opinions. I am a daughter, probably not always the greatest but it’s my 1st time being a daughter and I’m still learning. I am a friend, this I am generally better at aside from the occasional slip from grace. I am funny (I hear), intelligent (it’s why my BFF chose me) and a neat freak with a streak of OCD. I am told that I scare men and little kids. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up except happy, at peace, stable. I have many good people in my life and many people that have walked out. Focus on what you have. I have no idea the things I should write here. What do you people want from me?

13 responses »

  1. You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else. And people will get mad and accuse you of being a selfish asshole because they’re so used to you always being there for them in the way you have been. But that’s ok, because the people who really love you and understand you will be glad that you’re taking the time to work on yourself. And you’ll come out of this stronger, just like every other obstacle you’ve faced before this one. I love you friend, let me know what I can do for you. ❤

  2. Thank you Candice. As always your kind words and support speak volumes. This all happened Friday night and I am still shaking. I know that I am by no means a weak woman, I mean look at the shit I have made it through but I am tired. As for him, I am sad. I don’t know what else to say.

  3. Hello, I stumbled on this page by accident but I read this, and maybe there was a reason. I was wondering, whatever happened with you and this guy? I am a guy and my recent exgf seems to be very similar to you in thought with what I have read here. She has tendencies of depression, being manic, and possibly bipolar, but is also very self-aware, confident, and outspoken. I am in love with her. She left and said the same thing: that she was tired of trying to make everyone else happy, among other things, but that she was very happy with me. She left me and everyone around me tells me that she is troubled and that I need to let her go, and hopefully she will take care of herself… but I don’t want to. We were also in talks about marriage. I have tried to repair what we had, but she just continues to push me away, while at the same time says that she cares very deeply for me.

    If you two didn’t work out, do you think it was for the best? Or if he could have been there, if he could have somehow managed to get back into your life, what would it have taken from him? For you to ask him to go back to you, or even to just consider trying again, some day, any day, any year even, what would it have taken from him?

    • Hi and thanks for asking. Things are followed up a bit in posts after this one but truly I am not even sure that I told the tried and true ending and its not pretty but it is real.
      I was choosing to be blind when I wrote this. He is an alcoholic and it turns out is actually the one that caused the accident I spoke of. He liked to play games and then proclaim love and marriage. He was a liar, plain and simple, with no regard for anyone but himself.
      I am stubborn and had decided to quit running from men and face my fears. For that simple fact, I had difficulty walking away and staying away. It took much time. I cant say if any of these things are involved in your relationship. Only you can inspect the intricacies involved.
      Maybe she’s overwhelmed. Maybe she feels like she has lost who she is, not who everyone wants her to be. Maybe its simple life confusion. No offense, but maybe you just arent right together as bad as maybe you want to be.
      Speculation, I know. Maybe you both need to reflect upon your individual selves. Just thoughts because obviously, I havent a clue about your life. I wish I could be wiser for you. All I do know is that you are exactly where you are supposed to be at this very moment for whatever reason, even ones we dont recognize.

      Leaving him for good was a blessing. I guess thats my final answer.

  4. I wasn’t even sure if you would reply. Thank you so much for your insight. Well I am definitely no alcoholic and don’t like to play games. I have never thought about wanting to marry anyone until I met her. But we had a disagreement while she was going through a lot of stressful situations and it made her panic. She gets freaked out easily and runs away when things get tough or scary, but this time she flat out left everything and everyone, including me. When she got her head cleared, she subtly apologized and admitted to making a big deal out of what didn’t have to be, but she already made such life-altering decisions as to not be able to go back. And now I blame myself for not catching this before things got so overwhelming for her. How can someone say she loves me and that I still have her heart while at the same time be able to let me go like this…

    oh gosh. You are probably right that we are just not right together. Whether she really truly cared for me or not, she made the decision to leave. I have to respect that. It is sometimes hard to draw the line between what would appear as infatuation or obsession. Do I continue to pursue, and show up at her door on bended knee..? depending on her feelings toward me, it would be seen as either romantic or creepy. No, no… she does not want me anymore. I must accept it and wish her well.

    I believe you are correct, even if it was speculation. Words of wisdom are words of wisdom, and they can be applied to my situation, still. Thank you very much.

      • Curious? How so? I don’t use words very often. I have said to few people who wanted to exchange words via text, that speaking this way makes it so easy to misunderstand, miscommunicate, and takes too long to get the message across. Funny though, that when the time comes, when there is enough passion about something specific, or maybe life in general, words can pour, and I think you get my meaning. Maybe not. Maybe I’m rambling with words now.

        I enjoyed reading the little that I have of you. As for me, well, to bounce off of your main page description, I am a single (again) childless man who sometimes thinks he’s still a boy (but at least he can admit it!), trying to get through life. I have never heard the term “cynical romantic,” but I have been known to be incredibly cynical at times. I am trying to work on that, though, and have made great progress. If anything, I would be a hopeful romantic. Although, hope, when broken down, I have come to believe, is basically wanting something to happen when there is a chance that you think it won’t. Therefore, hope is fear. Oh drat, that sounds cynical. Ok… let’s try again. Faithful romantic! I have also had OCD, but I have over come it. I have also had OCD, but I have overcome it. I have… I can say that cuz yeah I have totally dealt with that shit for years. I’m doing alright now, though. Knock on wood… Not sure what you would consider young or old, but I kind of know what I want to be when I feel like I’ve grown up. But as you are saying, “happy, at peace, stable” … really, those states of being are all that matter.

        I like what you said about being exactly where we’re supposed to be. I agree with it completely. And when where I’m supposed to be is a really shitty place… I agree with it somewhat. bad joke, but yeah. I do take some comfort in believing that. Thank you for reminding me. I don’t ever use or read these websites called wordpress. I assume this is what the young generation calls blogging? Well, I think I was growing up when this was becoming a thing. Live journal or some such, but I never got into it. Even a shut-in to the online world. :/ This seems almost therapeutic. Maybe words aren’t so bad after all…

        Time to hustle. blah. Take care.

      • You’re killing me Smalls. Take care and remember, the journey can be long and usually in the end it was only with yourself. That my friend comes from the “midlife” generation…mine.

  5. That sounds so.. utterly lonely. Please take it back.

    Maybe I am off on the age guestimation then. Maybe you’re above me there; I was about 10 when that movie came out.

    I’m going to get a bit spiritual here, so feel free to trail off if it gets boring, heh. Well, long is a relative term. In an ocean so vast, a moment is all we last, I say. I actually do write a lot. But they are usually in clumps that try to resemble poems. And they usually only stay with me on my computer, or maybe occasionally sung in a shower. BUT they are finally starting to come out as songs as they did a long time ago, most likely in an attempt at venting out the pain that I feel every day since I have been abandoned… I realized I took a wrong turn in my thoughts just now. Anyway, it appears that I have another side that does, in fact, appreciate textual words.

    Yes, though, long can be long, but I don’t want to see it that way… And in the end, it was only with yourself. Ok, that sounds very sad. But in a deep-thinking, spiritual view, if we are all connected, then that can have a completely different meaning, can’t it?

    The journey can be long (in a good way – the fun can really last!), and usually in the end, it was only with yourself, because then you realize that we are all One! 🙂

    A thing I can appreciate about cynicism, is that at least it tries to be honest. And a guy called David Icke said, “A gift of truth is a gift of love.”

    Please tell me the truth. But as you tell me, please remember that I love you.
    I should have told her that…

    I was feeling pretty great until the end there. I should probably stop derailing your page from yesteryear, huh.

    • There is no such thing as derailing a blog post as far as I am concerned. Its why my thoughts are here, to help others connect and think and realize they dont exist in a bubble where nobody thinks like them.
      So you were about 10 when that movie came out? I was 21 and I believe pregnant with my oldest son. I still watch that movie with my younger guys. Love it!
      You are a writer, whether disguised by fear or change of circumstances, I can feel it in the manner in which you write. Who cares if you only sing it in the shower! I was told for years that I should write a blog before I ever tried it. My fault lies in the not being consistent. My journey is a story, amusing and dramatic all at once. Rarely a dull moment to be thoughtful in.
      Let your fear of getting her back show you that your emotion runs deep. Enough so to maybe love somebody else who will be more perfect than she could ever be.
      You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny ♡

      • thank you… so much. I don’t know you, lady. But today, I wish I did. I owe you a gift of some sort. no joke. you helped me feel better, and I appreciate it.

        you're right. I am… afraid. I'm afraid of lot of things, abandonment being one of the biggest ones. but that is only because of my own upbringing. I will forgive this person, and I will forgive myself. May our hearts heal and be better off from here on out because of it. Thanks be to God for sending me an angel to experience a hunger for true love, and also for sending me angels to help heal me after heartache (totally you among them, pumpkin!).

        gd I need a hug. scratch that, I need to turn into a cat and lie down next to a person and lightly place a paw upon one's forearm. It may be awkward to the human, but to the cat, it's like aw yeah….


        I'm going to write a song…

      • You owe me nothing. I like to make people think about themselves and others. Its my path. Everyone is afraid. Fear controls everything, its a human flaw. I mean truly it controls love, hate, indifference, success, failure, we are as a species afraid of all of these things.Nobody truly wants to be abandoned and even if we are runners, all we seek is someone to show us that we dont need to run, someone to say “please stay”. At our absolute best, we will be worthless to the wrong person but at our absolute worst, we will be worth it to the right person. Every person we cross paths with will teach us something, even the ones that we think do not matter to our existence. I once sat and had the most amazing conversation with a random homeless man downtown. It was honest and pure which in turn made it refreshing. His name was Terry.

        Find your ability to easily forgive through your empathy. Empathy leads to understanding and understanding leads to forgiveness. Forgive yourself for being human and if you can find that forgiveness, recognize that it is an attribute of the strong. Weak people cannot forgive, they dont know how.

  6. …I really like your words. And exchanging mine with someone else isn’t something I’m very used to, but I like it too. Soo do we continue to talk here on this page until we run out of them? Or do you think we should stop here? I am kind of trying to say something but I don’t want to come off as clingy or worse. Is there such a thing as a cyber pen-pal? This is my email if you would like to talk any more and maybe more candidly? I have always been hesitant to expose anything that was real about me, even online. Well, either way, your words have been.. healing. Thank you for your time and for your input.

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