I had to accept today that the man I am in love with is NOT the person I need in my life. After trying to make things work and shedding so many tears, I had to come to the point of admitting that I, and my children, are not protected in this mans hands. It hasn’t been an easy road for me to travel but given the faith I have in things working out, I refused to give up. I think that PINK best sums it up in her song “Blow Me One Last Kiss”.
“White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I’ve got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, I’ve been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there’s nothing to grab so I let go…”
I fear that my age might have me thinking that my love life will never be right. Never be what he wants or what I want. Never mesh together quite right. We went together pretty damn well on most everything but drinking and the level of “LOVE” given. I kept believing he would see and prove himself but when you only see yourself that can never happen. It is sad to me that he doesn’t see the disappointment that is etched on the faces of those that love him and yet he hangs on to those that tell him “everything is good” and “he’s right” and “hey, lets just party it away”. As sad as I am for myself and what I am feeling over having to walk away, I am just as sad for him on so many other levels and that is because I love him. He meant something to me, something big.
Sometimes I really hate when my friends are right. Looking at the upside, I learned a HUGE lesson and that is that I am not so incredibly tainted that I can’t love with all my heart and soul, because I can and I did. Nothing is ever an accident. I wonder if he will ever realize what he screwed up…