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I just found this here in my drafts. I wrote this October 25th but never posted it. I guess at the time it wasn’t finished or maybe it was too raw. Right now as I sit here reading it, I have tears running down my face. It is Christmas Eve and it is not supposed to feel like this. We should all be happy and lighthearted, none of us are. You are both brimming with frustration for the emotion you still can’t wrap your head around. You say that you feel like you don’t even have a real dad anymore because he changed his last name. I know that you feel abandoned in some way and all I can do is love you and make sure you know how wonderful you are, both of you. One day you will understand that your dad is just ridiculous and has shown no real concern for anyone but himself and Ankles. This does NOT in any way mean that any part of what you are feeling is ridiculous. Yes, part of you is your dad and part me but please realize that you both have a part that is only you and can be nobody else. It is that space you feel a little empty in as you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Figuring out who you are is a hard job so don’t be tough on yourself. Follow your inner voice and you will be fine. I love you and if I asked you how much, I can hear your voices say, “more than the universe, you love us more than the universe” One day maybe you can read these posts and have a better idea at who your mother is and how hard she really did try.

October 25, 2013

To my amazing little guys;

I was just walking down the hall and I happened to glance over into your room. I noticed that yet again you were both sleeping in the same bed and I started to wonder. I know that you say you are scared, but I have to wonder is it the monster under your bed or the one we call life. The monster that is being created for you. I suppose I should say the monster that has been created yet perpetually grows larger as you grow older. The one that your parents have created. I see the doubt creep across your faces sometimes and it hurts me to know that you don’t trust. You are afraid that you will fall and you don’t know where you will land. I can’t blame your father for everything, after all, I figured it would be easier not rocking the boat and now I know I should have just capsized the damn thing. If I had stood up before, then maybe they wouldn’t have felt so superior in the fight and maybe I would be more steady right now. I don’t know how to fix it just yet but I am working on it. It’s like we are living in a vicious circle and just can’t get out. I try to lay down the law and you test your boundaries and don’t listen. I get frustrated and angry and sometimes yell and these days sometimes I cry. I know that you are confused and you have things going on in your little heads that you don’t understand. Emotions that you don’t know what to think of. I understand because your mom is going through it too. How can I expect things from you that even I can’t do. I am so hard on myself and rightly so sometimes. I don’t want to see you be like that though because it is no way to live. I need to make changes for me, you , and us.

I love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I am living, my babies you will be.


Waiting For The Worms


Are you singing it in your head yet? Maybe not, but by the time I am done you might be itching all over.

About 3 ½ to 4 weeks ago the boys and I decided to adopt a kitty. After some research and thinking, I chose the local humane society as the destination of choice as they have many that need homes and the fee is only $15. That is one hell of a price for a kitty, pre-vaccinated, neutered and micro-chipped, can’t be beat right? Wrong. Kitty came home and was bestowed the name Mr. Paws McLongbottom, now on referred to as Mr. Paws because I refuse to write his last name that many times. About 1 ½ weeks into having our new baby, I noticed that he was missing a little hair on his ear. No biggie right? Stuff happens to little kitties especially when they are so happily terrorizing their new home. Another week goes by and I notice that he has another small spot and a very small portion of hair all the way around his tail. I will take “things that make you go hmmmm” for $500 Alex and then turned to the internet.Image

At the onset of my search I found several disgusting pics with which to compare these spots. My two personal favorites were mange and ringworm but the pics were so horrible and none matched what I was looking at. I came across several articles that stated a nervous disorder could be the culprit but Mr. Paws wasn’t nervous at all. The damned cat spent his days doing anything he could to upset my OCD and part of his night stalking, attacking and chewing on my feet. There was clearly no nervous condition here. It just looked like dry skin and several opinions were that it could be an allergy of some sort but what? The only thing I could think of in the house that he could be allergic to was our chronically depressed Pug, Hank. Nothing made sense.

A couple of days after returning from Las Vegas from the trip with pseudo hubby RJ, I saw that Hank had a spot on his foot. Alright what the hell is really going on now?  I have a friend, Stacey Q, that has a vet supply place that’s always helping out with her animals ailments so I called her up. She told me where to go so I rushed off with pics on phone to solve this mystery. The man I saw at the store looked at my pics and said,  “looks like mange to me” and promptly sold me a tube of cream for $22. I was told to put it on the spots a couple times a day until the hair grew back. YAY!! Problem solved, right? Drat, wrong again!

I woke up about 5 days ago with a very noticeable red, round, crusty, yummy spot on the inside of my left knee. HOLY CRAP, its ringworm. There was no having to guess or wondering what it was. Nope, this was definitely ringworm and I now had it. New game plan. We needed 2 visits to the vet, one for each animal and a visit to the doctor for me. Our $15 kitty had now turned in to an “over $200” kitty. I now spend my days cleaning, more than usual, disinfecting, keeping animals out of the bedrooms, administering oral and topical medications and praying to the universe that the kids wouldn’t get it. Days have gone by with no signs on the kiddos UNTIL, yes UNTIL this weekend. Thing 1 ended up with 2 spots. Cancel birthday party they were to attend. This morning Thing 2 woke up with 4 spots, one on his forehead and 3 next to his ear. The only survivor so far is Z-Fred, the oldest child, who may be spared since he showers 3 times a day and refuses to use the same towel each time he does as it is.  I so far have only popped up 3 spots but DAMN they are no fun. Itching, burning and ugly as hell. I am vain enough to be canceling my participation in the Inland Empire Corset Run next weekend because the beauty of a pretty corset on the back of a Harley will be totally killed by the spot on my right bicep.

I guess the bottom line is this…my house is in isolation just waiting, for the worms.Image