Tonight I have something very important to say. Not everyone will know what I am talking about but those close to me will and for now, that is all that matters. Those close to me will also have opinions on the part involving a man and I know them all, trust me, I have heard you all. What you don’t know is the other side but that doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that I am grateful to be sitting in my bed, writing this, regardless of the confusion and jumbled thoughts floating through. My inability to grasp what has happened, at least completely.
I caused an accident this weekend that thankfully hurt nobody but me, and my pain is more emotional than physical. I have lost about 4 hours of my night and have struggled to let my control freak self-go so that I can accept this is how it is. The accident only involved me and my car. My guardian angel wasn’t looking out for me; she was looking out for everybody else.
I have been so wrapped up in drama created by others that I realize I have started to lose who I am and what I believe in. I am in love with a man; I have been for a long time. He isn’t perfect but neither am I. I understand him although like most, I think he struggles to understand me. I have said before that I am like a puzzle that you take so much time to put together but at the end, there are still pieces missing. You can still see the beauty but it isn’t complete. The drama came to a head this weekend and I lost it, and him. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be but it still hurts me. Is he an asshole? Yes he can be but if you saw what I see in his eyes and the things he has taught me, you would understand.
How do I know I love him? I’m doing my normal things differently. Instead of running from, I keep running to. I don’t want anyone else, at least not at this point. We can be friends but anything else is probably going to have to wait. It is going to take me some time before I am ready (that in itself speaks volumes). This man asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was going to. Now it is over and I am sorry for my part in it. Anyways, enough about that for now, it will all work itself out. Somehow.
I have been given another chance to take the reins in my life and make it my own. I am done with everyone’s drama; I have enough shit on my own plate to work on. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about something affecting your life, my life or our life, then by all means let’s do it. If you are looking at trying to keep me down or screw up my life with bullshit and lies then kindly fuck off.
I am sorry if you take offense to this and I know in the past I have overloaded myself trying to help everyone or be there for everyone but I realize that I just can’t. I am truly wondering if I know who all my real friends are anymore. That makes me sad.