Tag Archives: divorce



I just found this here in my drafts. I wrote this October 25th but never posted it. I guess at the time it wasn’t finished or maybe it was too raw. Right now as I sit here reading it, I have tears running down my face. It is Christmas Eve and it is not supposed to feel like this. We should all be happy and lighthearted, none of us are. You are both brimming with frustration for the emotion you still can’t wrap your head around. You say that you feel like you don’t even have a real dad anymore because he changed his last name. I know that you feel abandoned in some way and all I can do is love you and make sure you know how wonderful you are, both of you. One day you will understand that your dad is just ridiculous and has shown no real concern for anyone but himself and Ankles. This does NOT in any way mean that any part of what you are feeling is ridiculous. Yes, part of you is your dad and part me but please realize that you both have a part that is only you and can be nobody else. It is that space you feel a little empty in as you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Figuring out who you are is a hard job so don’t be tough on yourself. Follow your inner voice and you will be fine. I love you and if I asked you how much, I can hear your voices say, “more than the universe, you love us more than the universe” One day maybe you can read these posts and have a better idea at who your mother is and how hard she really did try.

October 25, 2013

To my amazing little guys;

I was just walking down the hall and I happened to glance over into your room. I noticed that yet again you were both sleeping in the same bed and I started to wonder. I know that you say you are scared, but I have to wonder is it the monster under your bed or the one we call life. The monster that is being created for you. I suppose I should say the monster that has been created yet perpetually grows larger as you grow older. The one that your parents have created. I see the doubt creep across your faces sometimes and it hurts me to know that you don’t trust. You are afraid that you will fall and you don’t know where you will land. I can’t blame your father for everything, after all, I figured it would be easier not rocking the boat and now I know I should have just capsized the damn thing. If I had stood up before, then maybe they wouldn’t have felt so superior in the fight and maybe I would be more steady right now. I don’t know how to fix it just yet but I am working on it. It’s like we are living in a vicious circle and just can’t get out. I try to lay down the law and you test your boundaries and don’t listen. I get frustrated and angry and sometimes yell and these days sometimes I cry. I know that you are confused and you have things going on in your little heads that you don’t understand. Emotions that you don’t know what to think of. I understand because your mom is going through it too. How can I expect things from you that even I can’t do. I am so hard on myself and rightly so sometimes. I don’t want to see you be like that though because it is no way to live. I need to make changes for me, you , and us.

I love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I am living, my babies you will be.




This blog we are going to get down and dirty so I am adding a disclaimer. **ANYONE  related to me, especially MOM, you may want to think twice or 3 times about reading further because this could end up totally innocent or totally not, I don’t know yet.**  Ha, so there you have it, the choice is now yours!

This post, well, as you can see from the title is about love. Good love, bad love, here love, there love, up love, down love, where the F**K is my love, LOVE! Love is addictive, fun, sad and a pain in the ass. Why do we crave it so and then cry over it. It’s stupid, we must be stupid. How do you control your heart or emotions or your mind for that matter? Why do we make mental lists of what we want and need and then when we finally find someone with all those qualities, at least 98% of them, do we decide to throw them to the curb because they drink hot sauce out of the little cup. I mean really? My BFF HiHi says that I have to decide what I can live with and what I can’t. I don’t know what those things are, they are case by case as you know and no man has passed (as of yet). Instead of a sign that says, “take a number and wait your turn” it should say, “ don’t bother taking a number, take me on a date, make me happy and then go away because in 3 days I won’t be answering your texts anyways”! Whoo, that’s a mouthful or sign full I suppose. Why is that? Trust issues? Boredom? They aren’t good enough? I’m not good enough? After 4 years maybe I just don’t want your S**T in my house. Anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller?

I am a self-proclaimed over thinker. I admit it and can’t control it. I don’t know how to stop my thought process; I don’t know how to meditate. I have been trying by order of the therapist but thus far have been unsuccessful.  I am the person next to you in yoga class with racing thoughts figuring out exactly which path to take home to get the most done.  I am a nitpicker. What can I say; I am getting old and set in my CDO ways. I like things my way and cringe at the thought of having to “bend” to accommodate another living in my home one day while at the same time yearning for it. I am obviously psychotic and in desperate need of a medication change. Besides love there are practical reasons for wanting a man around and no, I don’t need you to fix things, I got that covered! The help with bills, household cleaning and such, child rearing (no they don’t need another daddy but sometimes a man saying “NO” is more effective than mom saying it). I had CPS called on me by ADHD (my ex-a dick head dad) and his partner Ankles (she’s 3 feet below a C**T) during our recent court battle because they wanted to try to dig something up. Of course CPS walked in and shook their heads wondering why they were here EXCEPT for the fact that I have bipolar disorder and Riverside County apparently likes to take children away from parents with mental illness especially if there is no “partner” in the home to help out. WOW! Can you say “mail order groom”?


When ADHD first cheated with Ankles and knocked her up and we split/divorced I wanted no part of keeping men. I wanted you all but didn’t want to keep you. I had no reason to, in my head you all sucked. In the last couple of years I have been coming out of it and I actually even had a 6 month relationship with a complete douche but I kept him around for super-secret reasons plus companionship. Now, I am trying not to run but I am a runner. I will find a reason to go and I will go. Fast. There is always a pre-cursor though. Something sets me off, something you do or say that isn’t right, doesn’t sit well with me, turns my over thinker up to high. I HAVE been making the conscious decision NOT to run though! HiHi says I need to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. The holidays are coming again and even though I can go to someone’s house if my boys are gone or even if they are here, I always have to come home…alone. It is getting depressing. I look at my friends and I am jealous. I look at aunts, parents, uncles, exes and well, woe is me. Eyeore and I, ha-ha, he is the only male that gets to sleep with me on a regular basis! Go Eyeore! These things I know. I am not unattractive, I am not unintelligent (this surprises a lot of people), I am funny and fun to be around and I am passionate and caring. I know that even if I am turned in to a zombie during the apocolypse I will still be attractive (picture provided). Some man out there will be very happy when he finds me. So will I.


Grandpa told me recently, “You will know when you are in love”. I believe him. Now I just wait, like with the worms.