HATE IT OR LOVE IT, THE OPINION IS MINE.

Opinion of the day:

I have much aggression to let out right now and am choosing to opinionate on this rather than anything that may get me in trouble in other ways and please feel free to opinionate on my opinion.
I have been reading a few different posts across the old book of faces here and am not so opinionated about the actual causes but rather on the responses I have seen after. I am friends with people from all walks of life and I care about each of them on their own individual merit. I have had to cut ties and I have had to try to reconnect broken/ bent bonds. I have had to learn through mistakes and sometimes years of opinion forming whether someone/thing was right or wrong for me. I have NEVER given up on someone simply because another person said I should. I think that would weaken my integrity in some way. We are all on a journey for our own personal learning and I believe that our souls are all connected. I know that sometimes others opinions hurt because we know inside they are right, most likely about us or our behaviors. Right or wrong, we learn from each step along the way.
Having empathy has bit me in the ass more than once but it has also created a position to allow those I love to have their own thoughts and still accept them for who they are regardless. Who cares if it isnt the same way I would think or do things.
I believe that the extreme political correctness that is all around, is bullshit. I have white friends, mexican friends, indian (yea, not native american but damned indians just like my grandmother) friends, jewish friends (because you know those get counted separate too), black friends (I was made an honorary “nigga” once. Not because of any other reason than the fact that they knew I accepted them as they were and vice versa), years ago in Reno there was the “token” black friend too. I have been hit on by idiots thinking they understood the full encompassment of being a “skinhead”. Some of the best times in life were letting them know that this blue eyed blonde girl isn’t as pure as they seemed to think from the surface.
I have friends that are big, small, smart, not so smartish, rich, poor, different religions and personal beliefs. Ghost believers and bible thumpers. There have been drug addicts and those that have never even smoked a cigarette, gun control and gun liberals. Dog haters, pug lovers, boat rockers and smooth water sailors. WHO CARES? Our differences are what makes things interesting and when the apocalypse hits, each of you will have something to contribute, as will I.
Here is the BIG difference and what is bugging me, BIG TIME!
I am enough of a person to allow you each your opinion and woman enough to defend each of you against someone else’s ignorance and hatred INCLUDING that of my own friends. I totally get that people are fed up with political correctness but that is no reason to negate someone else’s opinion or make someone else feel poorly just to continue your “fuck political correctness” campaign. MAYBE, in the case of extreme defiance or ignorance but not because their opinion of something differs from your own. If I post pictures of the Main Post Office in Reno because I am amazed by the fact that there are swastika tiles on the counters and my jewish friend says wow, I am kind of offended because of what it has come to stand for, I am going to understand that this makes my friend feel bad. When others comment about how the iron cross and swastika meant this and this before the holocaust and are being kind of rude, Im going to say something because yes, it DID mean something positive PRIOR to that horrific event but was so tainted afterwards and YES, maybe it makes my friend think of the 10 family members lost to them in the holocaust which in turn makes what this symbol came to stand for bad to them, SO HAVE SOME DAMNED COMPASSION. Same with the Confederate flag.

Empathy and kindness are key to our survival as a whole, not as individual races. Political correctness or lack thereof is NOT about being right with superior opinions so get the hell over yourselves already. By disrespecting someones individual thought process you are only disrespecting yourself and your personal integrity.

**If you find this happening in your life and don’t quite know how to say these things and not offend your friends in the process, feel free to share this blog post. At the very least it will cause more drama and contention amongst the ranks but MAYBE, they will actually learn something in the process**

Advertisement

ANOTHER CHANCE

 

Tonight I have something very important to say. Not everyone will know what I am talking about but those close to me will and for now, that is all that matters. Those close to me will also have opinions on the part involving a man and I know them all, trust me, I have heard you all. What you don’t know is the other side but that doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that I am grateful to be sitting in my bed, writing this, regardless of the confusion and jumbled thoughts floating through. My inability to grasp what has happened, at least completely.

I caused an accident this weekend that thankfully hurt nobody but me, and my pain is more emotional than physical. I have lost about 4 hours of my night and have struggled to let my control freak self-go so that I can accept this is how it is. The accident only involved me and my car. My guardian angel wasn’t looking out for me; she was looking out for everybody else.

I have been so wrapped up in drama created by others that I realize I have started to lose who I am and what I believe in. I am in love with a man; I have been for a long time. He isn’t perfect but neither am I. I understand him although like most, I think he struggles to understand me. I have said before that I am like a puzzle that you take so much time to put together but at the end, there are still pieces missing. You can still see the beauty but it isn’t complete. The drama came to a head this weekend and I lost it, and him. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be but it still hurts me. Is he an asshole? Yes he can be but if you saw what I see in his eyes and the things he has taught me, you would understand.

How do I know I love him? I’m doing my normal things differently. Instead of running from, I keep running to. I don’t want anyone else, at least not at this point. We can be friends but anything else is probably going to have to wait. It is going to take me some time before I am ready (that in itself speaks volumes). This man asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was going to. Now it is over and I am sorry for my part in it.  Anyways, enough about that for now, it will all work itself out. Somehow. 

I have been given another chance to take the reins in my life and make it my own. I am done with everyone’s drama; I have enough shit on my own plate to work on. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about something affecting your life, my life or our life, then by all means let’s do it. If you are looking at trying to keep me down or screw up my life with bullshit and lies then kindly fuck off.

I am sorry if you take offense to this and I know in the past I have overloaded myself trying to help everyone or be there for everyone but I realize that I just can’t. I am truly wondering if I know who all my real friends are anymore. That makes me sad.

Well Ain’t That a CoInky Dink?

What exactly is coincidence to you? Is it when you run in to that HOT guy that you have been thinking about all day? Not just run in to him but **BOOM** there he is, suddenly standing next to you in the most unlikely place. An all lesbian AA meeting perhaps? I mean, think about it- what are the odds? As a matter of fact, why are you here? You like men and drinks and having drinks with men and you are NOT about to give either up!

I don’t think that I believe in coincidence. Sometimes I question it all but for the most part I truly believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason. We just don’t understand the “whys” at the time. Lessons, good and bad must come to all of us and that karma bus just keeps driving around waiting for the next poor soul to jump under it. None of us mere humans know why the universe is going to throw these things our way and I think that so many of us just brush these things under the rug. I also love when we get to say fun stuff like, “oh, it’s just that new medication I am on, must be side effects” or “I am so tired that I am seeing and hearing things”. We all crave proof of something, anything, but we are too blind to see when it’s happening.

I hung out with an old friend tonight and we “wined” about her mom passing away last night. There were tears and lots of laughs, memories, wisdom, fear exposed and who knows what else because my exhausted brain can’t remember. I do know though that it was good shit and I wouldn’t change it for the world, just her and I hanging out for the most part. I miss her and don’t see her enough.

So would it be “coincidence” that on the way to see her, a song I hadn’t heard in ages came on the radio and with the greatest of ease, I said hi to her mom and mentally thanked her for coming along. I had only been half paying attention and really didn’t even realize what the song was until I said it. I thought it was odd because it didn’t seem to fit anywhere. During my visit, I learned of a dream she had had the night before, the night her mom passed and to me it was clear why I would feel and say that to that particular song. I don’t know if she feels it too but I don’t want to push.

Have you ever been thinking about someone you loved that died, maybe having a conversation, even questions and it seemed like everything that happened or you heard fit exactly in to that? I have many, many times. Even on New Year’s eve, it happened in the day and again at night, right before midnight. Then at midnight I received a text message from a woman who is very tied in with that person too. Almost creepy but I am coming to embrace it. It’s almost fun now. I mean who knows if it’s true but damn it is nice to think so sometimes. To feel like “the other side” is reaching out to you as much as you want to them.

I know that there are many things that we don’t understand and are curious about. I believe most people have faith in what they choose to believe but there has to be a small piece of doubt somewhere, right? Finding the truth is an individual journey that can lead you straight to crazy if you let it, but wouldn’t it be so worth the straight jacket if you KNEW in the end? I have had way too many “coincidences” happen to me and I have denied them, I don’t anymore and I can see people look at me with concern sometimes! Haha.

I love trying to grasp the supernatural and it’s coincidences. Now it’s more the regular life coincidence that throws me off! 

WHO WERE YOU IN TWO ZERO ONE TWO

Well, it is official, 2012 has come and gone and I have been pondering for days what this means to me. The people, situations and everything/anything else that has touched my life in some way over the last 365 days. Say that out loud first, “365 days”, it sounds so incredibly insignificant, such a small number on the scale of potentially 29,200 days (give or take a few), we call “our lifetime”.  Think about the things you have done or failed to do, the things you have aspired to, dreamt about, wished for. What things have you done selflessly? What have you given to others or taken from them?  What kind of person were you? Would you be friends with that person? Would you listen to their advice? On a percentage scale, I give myself 77%. I mostly like the things I have done and said; sometimes I am just a bitch.

I have cried for myself and others, in empathy and sadness. I have shed tears because I was happy. I have learned that my 5 year old can read at a 3^rd grade level without stumbling over the words. I have watched my 7 year old struggle and seemingly regress in his reading and felt my heart ache for him as he grew increasingly frustrated. My 18 year old was taken in to a college to play water polo and then leave that team to go to another college to play because the coaches wanted him. He wanted to be the best at it only to be hurt so badly in the 1^st game that he could not play nor go to class for weeks. He was dropped from college and withdrew from everyone including me. Again, my heart ached because he couldn’t find his way. I have seen them all triumph at things. Zack graduated from high school, Benjamin started kindergarten and Noah realized that he was special because he was born somewhere else. They are all intelligent, funny individuals and I love them “more than the universe”.

I turned 40 this year and I am so very okay with it. HiHi threw an amazing party where I was surrounded by friends and family. I had them paint pictures of me, for me. How they saw me. These pictures are now all hanging in my hallway to remind me that I am awesome and so are they. I get to see them every day. They look at me and I look at them. Sometimes I just stand there and take in each individual one that was created at the hands of those I love. I think I had the best birthday idea EVER…just sayin’. Bwahahahaha.  I have sat countless hours talking to others and trying to help them understand the illness that we share. I have lifted their spirits at times when I couldn’t even lift my own. I have melted and been molded back together, by myself and others. I have had my ass kicked by bipolar disorder countless times this year.  I have been humbled time and time again by the circumstances of others. I accept the appropriate lesson from it and strive to make things better. I have made others smile and laugh. I have brought comfort to those who needed it.

I “heard” from a friend, that she was safe and happy. I met a woman this year that I waited 20 years to meet and she has shown me as much as I her. She text me last night right after midnight and again it almost bought me to tears because it again showed me that the “coincidence” of life, isn’t always “coincidence”.  I rekindled a friendship that I lost 20 years ago. Seems 20 years was a huge milestone this year. I lost an old friend who decided to marry a new friend this year. I had my 2^nd annual New Year’s Eve breakfast which proved to be vastly different from last years. Kind of sad really, not that it wasn’t fun still but sad just the same. I have watched as a couple of friends gained that which they wanted so badly and others lose all that they hoped for, sometimes repeatedly. I have cried for them, although they do not know it, it is about them, not me. I became a GODMOTHER last week and I am so honored and thrilled to have this happen.  He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud and thankful to call his mother my best friend.  I have seen my favorite cousin have his 2^nd book published and felt so proud again that I have seen this come to fruition. He doesn’t know it yet but his books are going to be great sellers, I know, I feel it.

I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I don’t think. I found someone that makes me over think things because we are very different. I don’t know what will happen with it from day to day. I know of many men that want to date or just sleep with me. I don’t know where that will go from day to day, I am flattered yet wary.

I have hurt some people with my words when that wasn’t my intention and others I have shred apart with that being my soul purpose at the time. Don’t screw with me too much or those I love because I will find a way to destroy.

I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The “real” ones know who they are, the ones that think they are the “real” ones but aren’t sure, yea, you aren’t. THOSE PEOPLE KNOW IF THEY ARE WHO I REFER TO. I am blessed beyond belief to be alive another year and to be able to try to improve my ways of motherhood and friendship. I am not always the best friend or mother, I know this and I am harder on myself about it than anyone else could ever be. I am not perfect and never will be. There are so many things I want to do, I have a list, and I don’t know where to start or how to do them. I will do my best to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, this year has started out good because I am ready to live.

 

I LOVE DRAMA….SAID, NO ONE EVER!

I’m sitting at Stacey Q’s house with TiffyCanoe, getting ready to have a drink and a few more laughs before heading home to my boring, quiet life in my sad little apartment with Eyeore. NOT! I love my apartment, I love my boys, I love Eyeore, I love my weekday boredom being the 2000’s version of June Cleaver. Mostly right now, I LOVE my friends. I have been taking in stories, complaints, thoughts and solutions about drama. Family drama, friend drama, work drama, stranger drama, and of course your own personal innermost never tell anyone drama.

We all have drama despite how much we “hate it”. Every time we bitch about someone, we create it. Every time we fight with someone, we create it. Every time we can’t make up our damn minds, we have it. We decide to have sex with someone, yep just invited it in.  May as well just get used to it, embrace it and start saying that we LOVE it.

I heard TiffyCanoe tell a family drama story a little while ago that made me laugh so hard and double snort that I actually wished I had been part of her family that day.   It was like a National Lampoon movie script and if the day ever comes that I am cruising down the aisle for the 4^th time to the sounds of “Smack my Bitch Up”, I will definitely give a chuckle to the memory.

Drama involving your own children has got to be the worst, regardless of their age but the older they get the harder it is because you have to face the inevitable “I have to let them go and do it on their own” scenario. When we are young, I don’t think that we realize some of the things our own parents thought about and had to face but as our children grow up, we start to realize how difficult it must have been for them sometimes. It is hard to give good substantial advice, have them look at you like you are a complete moron and then walk away knowing they won’t listen to a word you say at this moment in time and that they will wind up hurting, just like you did all those years ago. Trial and error and our own individual journey, all we can do is try to give them the tools they will need and then sit back and watch. Girl, you know who you are, yes I am talking to you, take a deep breath  and TRY not to worry too much, she will be okay. It’s just going to take a while.

This last week I have been thinking a lot about some super ancient drama that I feel like I need to address and I think that it deserves to be done in a public forum because this person deserves that. When I was very young, barely 18, I had a friend. She was a very good friend that I had known forever it seemed and we had played together as kids, hung out together as teens, when she moved south I even went to go visit her family there. I started “dating” this man and we decided to get married. He had already started the process of separating me from all of my friends and family that he could. He was/is still a total narcissist. One day I was talking about visiting her again and he tells me something that he knows will throw me off and keep me from talking to her. Deep down I knew it couldn’t be true but he had me believing everything he said, so I never spoke with her again until about a year ago. I thought of her many, many times over the years and thanks to Facebook we found each other. I always thought about how badly it sucked for it to be like this but never really put much thought in to how she must have felt personally.  She was very close to my family and apparently she came to my house one day shortly after all this and my grandmother told her that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore because of what she did, when she never did anything. I am sure she was confused and hurt and to have to hear this from my grandma, a woman that she respected and cared about must have been the worst. I am sorry for this my friend, I can’t even express how much. I, angry pumpkin, cannot find the right word, “worst” was the best I could do and that’s like a 2 on a scale of 1-10. My heart sinks that grandma is not here for me to stand in front of her and tell her what an idiot I am, I did have a talk with her though. I think I may be mostly sorry that I took away from you that last little bit of time that she had to play rummy. Thank you for being such an awesome person that you “get it”.

Happily brought to you by Angry Pumpkin the Drama Queen.