I had to accept today that the man I am in love with is NOT the person I need in my life. After trying to make things work and shedding so many tears, I had to come to the point of admitting that I, and my children, are not protected in this mans hands. It hasn’t been an easy road for me to travel but given the faith I have in things working out, I refused to give up. I think that PINK best sums it up in her song “Blow Me One Last Kiss”.
“White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I’ve got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, I’ve been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there’s nothing to grab so I let go…”
I fear that my age might have me thinking that my love life will never be right. Never be what he wants or what I want. Never mesh together quite right. We went together pretty damn well on most everything but drinking and the level of “LOVE” given. I kept believing he would see and prove himself but when you only see yourself that can never happen. It is sad to me that he doesn’t see the disappointment that is etched on the faces of those that love him and yet he hangs on to those that tell him “everything is good” and “he’s right” and “hey, lets just party it away”. As sad as I am for myself and what I am feeling over having to walk away, I am just as sad for him on so many other levels and that is because I love him. He meant something to me, something big.
Sometimes I really hate when my friends are right. Looking at the upside, I learned a HUGE lesson and that is that I am not so incredibly tainted that I can’t love with all my heart and soul, because I can and I did. Nothing is ever an accident. I wonder if he will ever realize what he screwed up…
Today started out hurt and angry and the angry pumpkin was going to tell you all about it. You can always hope to hear about it still because who knows what tomorrow brings, right? Good thing Cuz-J has taught me to write and then sit on my shit for a moment or two. If I hadn’t been taught that then I would spout off uncontrollably (well I still do sometimes), because I don’t really care who knows what for the most part. I have nothing to hide from anyone, I try (notice the “TRY”) to do things that I won’t regret and to give things and people my all so that I don’t have to walk away feeling like it was me and I didn’t do enough. This way I know I did my best and am grateful for whatever I learned ever if it sucks ass sometimes and trust me, sometimes it does.
The bottom line, cliff notes of the story is that I have not only been hurt but have allowed persons to hurt me. I don’t like lies or liars, I think we may have established that somewhere. I don’t know how many times I have to waste my breath saying that I see most everything around me and just because I say nothing about it doesn’t mean that I don’t know or see or hear. I make choices to shut my eyes, close my mouth and have faith (or plain stupidity). I have great faith in love, even if I try to come off as the hard ass sometimes. Love always wins. That is what I tell myself anyways but it isn’t true. Sometimes love is not enough. You can only tell someone so much how important they are to you, trying to somehow convince them that it’s okay to be scared, vulnerable and open. To be honest. Solid foundations are needed in ANY relationship; love, friendship, family…all of them. When that foundation shakes and you are the only one fighting for it then it will not work. Proven more when people try to turn blame away from themselves on to the person trying to save everything. I could say all kinds of mean things here but I believe that fear is the factor that drives someone to lie. Fear is huge and grips your heart and soul like no other emotion. Fear of love, friendship, failure, success, everything known to the human species. Some people may not have too much fear driving them but you can always tell who does because they are the ones that try to convince you that they are afraid of nothing. Sad but true.
Now, I will be the first to stand up in this forum and say, “My name is Angry Pumpkin and I am chock-full of fear”. I still live. I still love. I am still vulnerable. I am NOT perfect and I face my fears, sometimes by force and sometimes by choice. I have to face them today, tonight and tomorrow. It’s going to be awhile I think, at least for this particular fear. I will survive, most of us will. Maybe being stubborn helps so I embrace that. I am sad for those who lead an empty existence because of fear. They find other ways to fill the spaces where fear may lay in wait. That doesn’t work for me. I feel bad for them, even if they don’t feel bad for what has happened.
Philophobia – Fear of love.
Phobophobia – Fear of phobias (in other words, fear of fear)