WHO WERE YOU IN TWO ZERO ONE TWO

Well, it is official, 2012 has come and gone and I have been pondering for days what this means to me. The people, situations and everything/anything else that has touched my life in some way over the last 365 days. Say that out loud first, “365 days”, it sounds so incredibly insignificant, such a small number on the scale of potentially 29,200 days (give or take a few), we call “our lifetime”.  Think about the things you have done or failed to do, the things you have aspired to, dreamt about, wished for. What things have you done selflessly? What have you given to others or taken from them?  What kind of person were you? Would you be friends with that person? Would you listen to their advice? On a percentage scale, I give myself 77%. I mostly like the things I have done and said; sometimes I am just a bitch.

I have cried for myself and others, in empathy and sadness. I have shed tears because I was happy. I have learned that my 5 year old can read at a 3^rd grade level without stumbling over the words. I have watched my 7 year old struggle and seemingly regress in his reading and felt my heart ache for him as he grew increasingly frustrated. My 18 year old was taken in to a college to play water polo and then leave that team to go to another college to play because the coaches wanted him. He wanted to be the best at it only to be hurt so badly in the 1^st game that he could not play nor go to class for weeks. He was dropped from college and withdrew from everyone including me. Again, my heart ached because he couldn’t find his way. I have seen them all triumph at things. Zack graduated from high school, Benjamin started kindergarten and Noah realized that he was special because he was born somewhere else. They are all intelligent, funny individuals and I love them “more than the universe”.

I turned 40 this year and I am so very okay with it. HiHi threw an amazing party where I was surrounded by friends and family. I had them paint pictures of me, for me. How they saw me. These pictures are now all hanging in my hallway to remind me that I am awesome and so are they. I get to see them every day. They look at me and I look at them. Sometimes I just stand there and take in each individual one that was created at the hands of those I love. I think I had the best birthday idea EVER…just sayin’. Bwahahahaha.  I have sat countless hours talking to others and trying to help them understand the illness that we share. I have lifted their spirits at times when I couldn’t even lift my own. I have melted and been molded back together, by myself and others. I have had my ass kicked by bipolar disorder countless times this year.  I have been humbled time and time again by the circumstances of others. I accept the appropriate lesson from it and strive to make things better. I have made others smile and laugh. I have brought comfort to those who needed it.

I “heard” from a friend, that she was safe and happy. I met a woman this year that I waited 20 years to meet and she has shown me as much as I her. She text me last night right after midnight and again it almost bought me to tears because it again showed me that the “coincidence” of life, isn’t always “coincidence”.  I rekindled a friendship that I lost 20 years ago. Seems 20 years was a huge milestone this year. I lost an old friend who decided to marry a new friend this year. I had my 2^nd annual New Year’s Eve breakfast which proved to be vastly different from last years. Kind of sad really, not that it wasn’t fun still but sad just the same. I have watched as a couple of friends gained that which they wanted so badly and others lose all that they hoped for, sometimes repeatedly. I have cried for them, although they do not know it, it is about them, not me. I became a GODMOTHER last week and I am so honored and thrilled to have this happen.  He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud and thankful to call his mother my best friend.  I have seen my favorite cousin have his 2^nd book published and felt so proud again that I have seen this come to fruition. He doesn’t know it yet but his books are going to be great sellers, I know, I feel it.

I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I don’t think. I found someone that makes me over think things because we are very different. I don’t know what will happen with it from day to day. I know of many men that want to date or just sleep with me. I don’t know where that will go from day to day, I am flattered yet wary.

I have hurt some people with my words when that wasn’t my intention and others I have shred apart with that being my soul purpose at the time. Don’t screw with me too much or those I love because I will find a way to destroy.

I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The “real” ones know who they are, the ones that think they are the “real” ones but aren’t sure, yea, you aren’t. THOSE PEOPLE KNOW IF THEY ARE WHO I REFER TO. I am blessed beyond belief to be alive another year and to be able to try to improve my ways of motherhood and friendship. I am not always the best friend or mother, I know this and I am harder on myself about it than anyone else could ever be. I am not perfect and never will be. There are so many things I want to do, I have a list, and I don’t know where to start or how to do them. I will do my best to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, this year has started out good because I am ready to live.

 

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Waiting For The Worms

Are you singing it in your head yet? Maybe not, but by the time I am done you might be itching all over.

About 3 ½ to 4 weeks ago the boys and I decided to adopt a kitty. After some research and thinking, I chose the local humane society as the destination of choice as they have many that need homes and the fee is only $15. That is one hell of a price for a kitty, pre-vaccinated, neutered and micro-chipped, can’t be beat right? Wrong. Kitty came home and was bestowed the name Mr. Paws McLongbottom, now on referred to as Mr. Paws because I refuse to write his last name that many times. About 1 ½ weeks into having our new baby, I noticed that he was missing a little hair on his ear. No biggie right? Stuff happens to little kitties especially when they are so happily terrorizing their new home. Another week goes by and I notice that he has another small spot and a very small portion of hair all the way around his tail. I will take “things that make you go hmmmm” for $500 Alex and then turned to the internet.

At the onset of my search I found several disgusting pics with which to compare these spots. My two personal favorites were mange and ringworm but the pics were so horrible and none matched what I was looking at. I came across several articles that stated a nervous disorder could be the culprit but Mr. Paws wasn’t nervous at all. The damned cat spent his days doing anything he could to upset my OCD and part of his night stalking, attacking and chewing on my feet. There was clearly no nervous condition here. It just looked like dry skin and several opinions were that it could be an allergy of some sort but what? The only thing I could think of in the house that he could be allergic to was our chronically depressed Pug, Hank. Nothing made sense.

A couple of days after returning from Las Vegas from the trip with pseudo hubby RJ, I saw that Hank had a spot on his foot. Alright what the hell is really going on now?  I have a friend, Stacey Q, that has a vet supply place that’s always helping out with her animals ailments so I called her up. She told me where to go so I rushed off with pics on phone to solve this mystery. The man I saw at the store looked at my pics and said,  “looks like mange to me” and promptly sold me a tube of cream for $22. I was told to put it on the spots a couple times a day until the hair grew back. YAY!! Problem solved, right? Drat, wrong again!

I woke up about 5 days ago with a very noticeable red, round, crusty, yummy spot on the inside of my left knee. HOLY CRAP, its ringworm. There was no having to guess or wondering what it was. Nope, this was definitely ringworm and I now had it. New game plan. We needed 2 visits to the vet, one for each animal and a visit to the doctor for me. Our $15 kitty had now turned in to an “over $200” kitty. I now spend my days cleaning, more than usual, disinfecting, keeping animals out of the bedrooms, administering oral and topical medications and praying to the universe that the kids wouldn’t get it. Days have gone by with no signs on the kiddos UNTIL, yes UNTIL this weekend. Thing 1 ended up with 2 spots. Cancel birthday party they were to attend. This morning Thing 2 woke up with 4 spots, one on his forehead and 3 next to his ear. The only survivor so far is Z-Fred, the oldest child, who may be spared since he showers 3 times a day and refuses to use the same towel each time he does as it is.  I so far have only popped up 3 spots but DAMN they are no fun. Itching, burning and ugly as hell. I am vain enough to be canceling my participation in the Inland Empire Corset Run next weekend because the beauty of a pretty corset on the back of a Harley will be totally killed by the spot on my right bicep.

I guess the bottom line is this…my house is in isolation just waiting, for the worms.