Talking Jibberish Until Meaning Arrives

 

 

**DISCLAIMER-Herein lies some mumbo jumbo contorted in ways I don’t fully understand. I didn’t until the end. Perfect example of how writing can help you therapeutically.

 

 

Have you ever had a song start at just the very moment that you didn’t need (NEEDED) to hear it? I know that we have touched on this before, at least as far as spirits are concerned, but this is life speaking. The universe smacking you in the face because you can’t (WON’T) see something that you have to in order to put everything right. I cry a lot, I do. Maybe it’s my passion or my over emotional nature. Maybe it’s because I see and feel everything that the people around me do. I absorb. Then when the time comes for me to deal with my shit, I am so stuck trying to wade through everyone else’s emotion that I have taken on, that I can’t find my own and it just brims over. Music speaks to me. I can’t play a chord but damned if it doesn’t. I pulled up Pandora before starting this and since doing so have heard 2 songs that I associate with people who are no longer with us and one of the songs that very much throws me into tears about myself. They have only played 4 songs so far. Oh look, #5 and it fits in, LOLz. Sometimes I feel crazy but I am not. Crazy people don’t think they are crazy. I have a gift. A gift that allows me to know that I have people I love with me right now, just hanging around. Presumably because of the surgery I just had and I wasn’t doing well with it. Without me saying anything to anyone, I have had at least 2 of these spirits confirmed by others who have been here to stay with me.

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know 

One of these spirits was with me this last weekend at my mom’s house. I saw and felt her there. I figured it was because of other people in the house and not me, but she came home with me. Maybe it is all entwined so that one gets lost in the other. Maybe they are all just waiting for my shit to be straight because they still worry. Grandma was always a bit of a worrier anyways and the day she lay in the hospital, physically with us but gone to grandpa already, I told her that I was okay. That she could go without worry. I was young, had just been hired permanently where I worked, had just bought my 1^st car and had just received my 1^st real credit card in the mail the day before. I was going to be okay so she need not worry anymore. I have proven anything but since. I am the black sheep, the dog chasing her tail until she decides to stop and focus. The brilliant slacker. The poor choice maker. The “it will all work out in my fairytale” skeptic. That is me. I often say that I am a human oxymoron. The “day-dreaming realist”, the “can’t trust anyone romantic”. I have completely veered off subject on this post. Doesn’t surprise me, it has been too long since I wrote anything here. Let’s try to get back on track a bit shall we? I am thinking after I get done ranting on this off course cruise ship that there should be a part 2 since the purpose of all this needs to stand alone, at least I feel it does.

The purpose of all this nonsense I suppose is to scream admission that I do not handle emotion well. Over absorbing from others, maybe, or maybe just lacking the ability to handle some of my own. I know that most of you have already noticed this but prefer to humor me that I am some strong all capable woman who carries everything so well. That is funny as hell…just saying. So to end my avoidance, let’s get down to business. The rest of this and part 2 shall be like walking a tightrope that I am not even sure I should be walking so the parts that need be shall be brief and needed as a part of my story. MY STORY. I do not wish to bring anyone else in to my story that need not be so please forgive me if I over step some boundary that you have laid out.

I spent last weekend at my mom’s house. I needed to take the boys there to see my stepdad (further referred to as my dad) because he is not well and nobody knows the “when” of when he will be “better”. The better of course refers to when he will no longer be in pain. His own kind of pain, which I do not know how physically painful it is but knowing him, the mental part is devastating. It was a long trip considering how short of a time frame it was and frustrating because I was thinking of my surgery when I got back. He is the reason that I thought I saw grandma there. I am not dealing well with all of this and I like to believe that it is because I am not there to bear witness to most of these things happening.  I know I am most likely wrong. I accept that if only internally. I wish many things like…I wish my boys knew more of his early life. I wish he didn’t have to be in pain or confused. I wish that I was but I am not ready to let go.  I wish that I could let you all in to help me but I can’t. Not even you mom and I don’t know why. I wish I knew why the bathroom light is now turned off when I specifically left it on so I wouldn’t be freaked out in the hallway…

My admission is this, the biggie that I just now realized and maybe it’s a break through. When grandpa left us, grandma followed…what if it happens again?

 

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe I’ll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

**Insert intermission muzak here**

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STELLAR…much of it.

“Meet me in outer space, we could spend the night, watch the earth come up. I’ve grown tired of that place, won’t you come with me, we could start AGAIIIINNNNNNNN….”

As I type this, the song is playing on repeat through the earbuds into the deep, dark and hidden areas of my brain. This song has such an amazing feeling to it and behind it. It has always meant something to me and at one point in my life it meant everything. There is a feeling in the pit of my stomach now, what is it? It’s complicated is what it is. 

I walked away because I had to, for both of us. I know that you understand even if you don’t “understand”. We spoke today of my saying something to the effect of “maybe in our next life”. We both know what I meant. We have found each other over and over before now and I’ve every reason to believe that we will again. It’s been years since we last spoke and you were correct when you said that we were best friends. I thought you were lost to me until next time and I thought I had accepted that. I shouldn’t think so much. I missed you. More than I realized or allowed myself to admit. Thank you for today.

As the song repeats, I feel THAT moment in time that was ours. As tears roll down my face, I wonder about all the why’s again. My last thought is this…what exactly constitutes a “lifetime”?

 

LIFE IS WHAT YOU DO WHILE WAITING FOR DEATH

Waiting for the burn. Not any kind of “fun” burn but the burn as in “crash and burn”. You sit and wait. You feel it, really it has been here all along but you have managed to push it away over and over like pushing away someone trying to overpower you. This is different because there are no balls to kick, no throat to punch and no eyes to jab. It is what it is at that moment when you finally realize that you are an irritable bitch not because you are tired but because tired and bitch go together when the world crashes.  Your mind spins and races while nothing gets done. I believe they call this a “mixed state”. If you have never been here, on a regular basis, then you can’t understand, ever. I can’t even try to explain it to you as it is unfathomable in the “real” world. It is the middle meeting ground of mental illness. The place that makes you realize that death is real and near. Events as of late have helped to exacerbate the swing more than I know, at least that is what I think the head shrinker was trying to say in her lovable accent. I thought, really believed, that 2013 was it. It would be my year. A published story, a man that I was in love with that supposedly loved in return, the prospect of a life that has eluded me in recent years. Instead, I struggle to stay on task. Even the dishes have become my worst enemy in the last couple of days. I have been working on a painting. All work has ceased as of late, I realized today that I had been waiting for this moment of darkness to finish it. I sometimes wonder who, if anyone, in my family shares these genetics. I have a feeling some do but are afraid of what admission means to the genius that is them. I am a surprise, even to myself. A surprise wrapped up in a pretty bow.

WHO’S # 41??? BOY DID THAT GO ALL WRONG!

Happy Birthday to myself.  The pumpkin above says “HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY” because today is the first day of the 2nd half of my life. I feel a bit lighter today and I am running with it, like the wind! It is beautiful out, I live in Southern California that some people can’t stand but damnit, I like it! I have these cards called “self-care cards” and decided to start using them again today along with these “power thought cards” that I found and I shall share what day one is telling me!

Today’s self care card is “HELP” and on the back it says, “Ask for help, receiving is an act of generosity”. How true I have found this to be the last week 🙂

Power thought cards say,

1. ” I LOVE LIFE! It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love life”~~~How true~~~

2. “LOVING OTHERS IS EASY WHEN I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF! My heart is open. I allow my love to flow freely. I love myself. I love others and others love me.”

3. “I ACCEPT MY UNIQUENESS! There is no competition and no comparison, for we are all different and meant to be that way. I am special and wonderful. I love myself.”

I feel good today and I am going out to lunch Have a superb day everyone and thank you so much for loving me. Remember, even if you are a hater, you are really an admirer that hasn’t realized it yet!!