HATE IT OR LOVE IT, THE OPINION IS MINE.

Opinion of the day:

I have much aggression to let out right now and am choosing to opinionate on this rather than anything that may get me in trouble in other ways and please feel free to opinionate on my opinion.
I have been reading a few different posts across the old book of faces here and am not so opinionated about the actual causes but rather on the responses I have seen after. I am friends with people from all walks of life and I care about each of them on their own individual merit. I have had to cut ties and I have had to try to reconnect broken/ bent bonds. I have had to learn through mistakes and sometimes years of opinion forming whether someone/thing was right or wrong for me. I have NEVER given up on someone simply because another person said I should. I think that would weaken my integrity in some way. We are all on a journey for our own personal learning and I believe that our souls are all connected. I know that sometimes others opinions hurt because we know inside they are right, most likely about us or our behaviors. Right or wrong, we learn from each step along the way.
Having empathy has bit me in the ass more than once but it has also created a position to allow those I love to have their own thoughts and still accept them for who they are regardless. Who cares if it isnt the same way I would think or do things.
I believe that the extreme political correctness that is all around, is bullshit. I have white friends, mexican friends, indian (yea, not native american but damned indians just like my grandmother) friends, jewish friends (because you know those get counted separate too), black friends (I was made an honorary “nigga” once. Not because of any other reason than the fact that they knew I accepted them as they were and vice versa), years ago in Reno there was the “token” black friend too. I have been hit on by idiots thinking they understood the full encompassment of being a “skinhead”. Some of the best times in life were letting them know that this blue eyed blonde girl isn’t as pure as they seemed to think from the surface.
I have friends that are big, small, smart, not so smartish, rich, poor, different religions and personal beliefs. Ghost believers and bible thumpers. There have been drug addicts and those that have never even smoked a cigarette, gun control and gun liberals. Dog haters, pug lovers, boat rockers and smooth water sailors. WHO CARES? Our differences are what makes things interesting and when the apocalypse hits, each of you will have something to contribute, as will I.
Here is the BIG difference and what is bugging me, BIG TIME!
I am enough of a person to allow you each your opinion and woman enough to defend each of you against someone else’s ignorance and hatred INCLUDING that of my own friends. I totally get that people are fed up with political correctness but that is no reason to negate someone else’s opinion or make someone else feel poorly just to continue your “fuck political correctness” campaign. MAYBE, in the case of extreme defiance or ignorance but not because their opinion of something differs from your own. If I post pictures of the Main Post Office in Reno because I am amazed by the fact that there are swastika tiles on the counters and my jewish friend says wow, I am kind of offended because of what it has come to stand for, I am going to understand that this makes my friend feel bad. When others comment about how the iron cross and swastika meant this and this before the holocaust and are being kind of rude, Im going to say something because yes, it DID mean something positive PRIOR to that horrific event but was so tainted afterwards and YES, maybe it makes my friend think of the 10 family members lost to them in the holocaust which in turn makes what this symbol came to stand for bad to them, SO HAVE SOME DAMNED COMPASSION. Same with the Confederate flag.

Empathy and kindness are key to our survival as a whole, not as individual races. Political correctness or lack thereof is NOT about being right with superior opinions so get the hell over yourselves already. By disrespecting someones individual thought process you are only disrespecting yourself and your personal integrity.

**If you find this happening in your life and don’t quite know how to say these things and not offend your friends in the process, feel free to share this blog post. At the very least it will cause more drama and contention amongst the ranks but MAYBE, they will actually learn something in the process**

Advertisement

Talking Jibberish Until Meaning Arrives

 

 

**DISCLAIMER-Herein lies some mumbo jumbo contorted in ways I don’t fully understand. I didn’t until the end. Perfect example of how writing can help you therapeutically.

 

 

Have you ever had a song start at just the very moment that you didn’t need (NEEDED) to hear it? I know that we have touched on this before, at least as far as spirits are concerned, but this is life speaking. The universe smacking you in the face because you can’t (WON’T) see something that you have to in order to put everything right. I cry a lot, I do. Maybe it’s my passion or my over emotional nature. Maybe it’s because I see and feel everything that the people around me do. I absorb. Then when the time comes for me to deal with my shit, I am so stuck trying to wade through everyone else’s emotion that I have taken on, that I can’t find my own and it just brims over. Music speaks to me. I can’t play a chord but damned if it doesn’t. I pulled up Pandora before starting this and since doing so have heard 2 songs that I associate with people who are no longer with us and one of the songs that very much throws me into tears about myself. They have only played 4 songs so far. Oh look, #5 and it fits in, LOLz. Sometimes I feel crazy but I am not. Crazy people don’t think they are crazy. I have a gift. A gift that allows me to know that I have people I love with me right now, just hanging around. Presumably because of the surgery I just had and I wasn’t doing well with it. Without me saying anything to anyone, I have had at least 2 of these spirits confirmed by others who have been here to stay with me.

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don’t know, oh I don’t know 

One of these spirits was with me this last weekend at my mom’s house. I saw and felt her there. I figured it was because of other people in the house and not me, but she came home with me. Maybe it is all entwined so that one gets lost in the other. Maybe they are all just waiting for my shit to be straight because they still worry. Grandma was always a bit of a worrier anyways and the day she lay in the hospital, physically with us but gone to grandpa already, I told her that I was okay. That she could go without worry. I was young, had just been hired permanently where I worked, had just bought my 1^st car and had just received my 1^st real credit card in the mail the day before. I was going to be okay so she need not worry anymore. I have proven anything but since. I am the black sheep, the dog chasing her tail until she decides to stop and focus. The brilliant slacker. The poor choice maker. The “it will all work out in my fairytale” skeptic. That is me. I often say that I am a human oxymoron. The “day-dreaming realist”, the “can’t trust anyone romantic”. I have completely veered off subject on this post. Doesn’t surprise me, it has been too long since I wrote anything here. Let’s try to get back on track a bit shall we? I am thinking after I get done ranting on this off course cruise ship that there should be a part 2 since the purpose of all this needs to stand alone, at least I feel it does.

The purpose of all this nonsense I suppose is to scream admission that I do not handle emotion well. Over absorbing from others, maybe, or maybe just lacking the ability to handle some of my own. I know that most of you have already noticed this but prefer to humor me that I am some strong all capable woman who carries everything so well. That is funny as hell…just saying. So to end my avoidance, let’s get down to business. The rest of this and part 2 shall be like walking a tightrope that I am not even sure I should be walking so the parts that need be shall be brief and needed as a part of my story. MY STORY. I do not wish to bring anyone else in to my story that need not be so please forgive me if I over step some boundary that you have laid out.

I spent last weekend at my mom’s house. I needed to take the boys there to see my stepdad (further referred to as my dad) because he is not well and nobody knows the “when” of when he will be “better”. The better of course refers to when he will no longer be in pain. His own kind of pain, which I do not know how physically painful it is but knowing him, the mental part is devastating. It was a long trip considering how short of a time frame it was and frustrating because I was thinking of my surgery when I got back. He is the reason that I thought I saw grandma there. I am not dealing well with all of this and I like to believe that it is because I am not there to bear witness to most of these things happening.  I know I am most likely wrong. I accept that if only internally. I wish many things like…I wish my boys knew more of his early life. I wish he didn’t have to be in pain or confused. I wish that I was but I am not ready to let go.  I wish that I could let you all in to help me but I can’t. Not even you mom and I don’t know why. I wish I knew why the bathroom light is now turned off when I specifically left it on so I wouldn’t be freaked out in the hallway…

My admission is this, the biggie that I just now realized and maybe it’s a break through. When grandpa left us, grandma followed…what if it happens again?

 

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I’m gone, you’ll need love
To light the shadows on your face

If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

If I could, then I would
I’ll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I’ll go wherever you will go

And maybe I’ll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I’ll stay with you for all of time

**Insert intermission muzak here**

BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE

I just found this here in my drafts. I wrote this October 25th but never posted it. I guess at the time it wasn’t finished or maybe it was too raw. Right now as I sit here reading it, I have tears running down my face. It is Christmas Eve and it is not supposed to feel like this. We should all be happy and lighthearted, none of us are. You are both brimming with frustration for the emotion you still can’t wrap your head around. You say that you feel like you don’t even have a real dad anymore because he changed his last name. I know that you feel abandoned in some way and all I can do is love you and make sure you know how wonderful you are, both of you. One day you will understand that your dad is just ridiculous and has shown no real concern for anyone but himself and Ankles. This does NOT in any way mean that any part of what you are feeling is ridiculous. Yes, part of you is your dad and part me but please realize that you both have a part that is only you and can be nobody else. It is that space you feel a little empty in as you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Figuring out who you are is a hard job so don’t be tough on yourself. Follow your inner voice and you will be fine. I love you and if I asked you how much, I can hear your voices say, “more than the universe, you love us more than the universe” One day maybe you can read these posts and have a better idea at who your mother is and how hard she really did try.

October 25, 2013

To my amazing little guys;

I was just walking down the hall and I happened to glance over into your room. I noticed that yet again you were both sleeping in the same bed and I started to wonder. I know that you say you are scared, but I have to wonder is it the monster under your bed or the one we call life. The monster that is being created for you. I suppose I should say the monster that has been created yet perpetually grows larger as you grow older. The one that your parents have created. I see the doubt creep across your faces sometimes and it hurts me to know that you don’t trust. You are afraid that you will fall and you don’t know where you will land. I can’t blame your father for everything, after all, I figured it would be easier not rocking the boat and now I know I should have just capsized the damn thing. If I had stood up before, then maybe they wouldn’t have felt so superior in the fight and maybe I would be more steady right now. I don’t know how to fix it just yet but I am working on it. It’s like we are living in a vicious circle and just can’t get out. I try to lay down the law and you test your boundaries and don’t listen. I get frustrated and angry and sometimes yell and these days sometimes I cry. I know that you are confused and you have things going on in your little heads that you don’t understand. Emotions that you don’t know what to think of. I understand because your mom is going through it too. How can I expect things from you that even I can’t do. I am so hard on myself and rightly so sometimes. I don’t want to see you be like that though because it is no way to live. I need to make changes for me, you , and us.

I love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I am living, my babies you will be.

WHO’S # 41??? BOY DID THAT GO ALL WRONG!

Happy Birthday to myself.  The pumpkin above says “HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY” because today is the first day of the 2nd half of my life. I feel a bit lighter today and I am running with it, like the wind! It is beautiful out, I live in Southern California that some people can’t stand but damnit, I like it! I have these cards called “self-care cards” and decided to start using them again today along with these “power thought cards” that I found and I shall share what day one is telling me!

Today’s self care card is “HELP” and on the back it says, “Ask for help, receiving is an act of generosity”. How true I have found this to be the last week 🙂

Power thought cards say,

1. ” I LOVE LIFE! It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to life exactly what I want life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love life”~~~How true~~~

2. “LOVING OTHERS IS EASY WHEN I LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF! My heart is open. I allow my love to flow freely. I love myself. I love others and others love me.”

3. “I ACCEPT MY UNIQUENESS! There is no competition and no comparison, for we are all different and meant to be that way. I am special and wonderful. I love myself.”

I feel good today and I am going out to lunch Have a superb day everyone and thank you so much for loving me. Remember, even if you are a hater, you are really an admirer that hasn’t realized it yet!!

 

ACCEPTING I WAS WRONG

I had to accept today that the man I am in love with is NOT the person I need in my life. After trying to make things work and shedding so many tears, I had to come to the point of admitting that I, and my children, are not protected in this mans hands. It hasn’t been an easy road for me to travel but given the faith I have in things working out, I refused to give up. I think that PINK best sums it up in her song “Blow Me One Last Kiss”.

“White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight
Clench of jaw, I’ve got another headache again tonight
Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears
I’ve been crying, I’ve been crying, I’ve been dying over you
Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,
But there’s nothing to grab so I let go…”

I fear that my age might have me thinking that my love life will never be right. Never be what he wants or what I want. Never mesh together quite right. We went together pretty damn well on most everything but drinking and the level of “LOVE” given. I kept believing he would see and prove himself but when you only see yourself that can never happen. It is sad to me that he doesn’t see the disappointment that is etched on the faces of those that love him and yet he hangs on to those that tell him “everything is good” and “he’s right” and “hey, lets just party it away”. As sad as I am for myself and what I am feeling over having to walk away, I am just as sad for him on so many other levels and that is because I love him. He meant something to me, something big.

Sometimes I really hate when my friends are right. Looking at the upside, I learned a HUGE lesson and that is that I am not so incredibly tainted that I can’t love with all my heart and soul, because I can and I did. Nothing is ever an accident. I wonder if he will ever realize what he screwed up…

THE STORY OF DICK AND JANE AND THE GREAT FEAR OF FEARS FACTOR

Today started out hurt and angry and the angry pumpkin was going to tell you all about it. You can always hope to hear about it still because who knows what tomorrow brings, right? Good thing Cuz-J has taught me to write and then sit on my shit for a moment or two. If I hadn’t been taught that then I would spout off uncontrollably (well I still do sometimes), because I don’t really care who knows what for the most part. I have nothing to hide from anyone, I try (notice the “TRY”) to do things that I won’t regret and to give things and people my all so that I don’t have to walk away feeling like it was me and I didn’t do enough. This way I know I did my best and am grateful for whatever I learned ever if it sucks ass sometimes and trust me, sometimes it does.

 

The bottom line, cliff notes of the story is that I have not only been hurt but have allowed persons to hurt me. I don’t like lies or liars, I think we may have established that somewhere. I don’t know how many times I have to waste my breath saying that I see most everything around me and just because I say nothing about it doesn’t mean that I don’t know or see or hear. I make choices to shut my eyes, close my mouth and have faith (or plain stupidity). I have great faith in love, even if I try to come off as the hard ass sometimes. Love always wins. That is what I tell myself anyways but it isn’t true. Sometimes love is not enough. You can only tell someone so much how important they are to you, trying to somehow convince them that it’s okay to be scared, vulnerable and open. To be honest. Solid foundations are needed in ANY relationship; love, friendship, family…all of them. When that foundation shakes and you are the only one fighting for it then it will not work. Proven more when people try to turn blame away from themselves on to the person trying to save everything. I could say all kinds of mean things here but I believe that fear is the factor that drives someone to lie. Fear is huge and grips your heart and soul like no other emotion. Fear of love, friendship, failure, success, everything known to the human species. Some people may not have too much fear driving them but you can always tell who does because they are the ones that try to convince you that they are afraid of nothing. Sad but true.

Now, I will be the first to stand up in this forum and say, “My name is Angry Pumpkin and I am chock-full of fear”. I still live. I still love. I am still vulnerable. I am NOT perfect and I face my fears, sometimes by force and sometimes by choice.  I have to face them today, tonight and tomorrow. It’s going to be awhile I think, at least for this particular fear.  I will survive, most of us will. Maybe being stubborn helps so I embrace that. I am sad for those who lead an empty existence because of fear. They find other ways to fill the spaces where fear may lay in wait. That doesn’t work for me.  I feel bad for them, even if they don’t feel bad for what has happened.

Philophobia – Fear of love.
Phobophobia – Fear of phobias (in other words, fear of fear)

 

WHO WERE YOU IN TWO ZERO ONE TWO

Well, it is official, 2012 has come and gone and I have been pondering for days what this means to me. The people, situations and everything/anything else that has touched my life in some way over the last 365 days. Say that out loud first, “365 days”, it sounds so incredibly insignificant, such a small number on the scale of potentially 29,200 days (give or take a few), we call “our lifetime”.  Think about the things you have done or failed to do, the things you have aspired to, dreamt about, wished for. What things have you done selflessly? What have you given to others or taken from them?  What kind of person were you? Would you be friends with that person? Would you listen to their advice? On a percentage scale, I give myself 77%. I mostly like the things I have done and said; sometimes I am just a bitch.

I have cried for myself and others, in empathy and sadness. I have shed tears because I was happy. I have learned that my 5 year old can read at a 3^rd grade level without stumbling over the words. I have watched my 7 year old struggle and seemingly regress in his reading and felt my heart ache for him as he grew increasingly frustrated. My 18 year old was taken in to a college to play water polo and then leave that team to go to another college to play because the coaches wanted him. He wanted to be the best at it only to be hurt so badly in the 1^st game that he could not play nor go to class for weeks. He was dropped from college and withdrew from everyone including me. Again, my heart ached because he couldn’t find his way. I have seen them all triumph at things. Zack graduated from high school, Benjamin started kindergarten and Noah realized that he was special because he was born somewhere else. They are all intelligent, funny individuals and I love them “more than the universe”.

I turned 40 this year and I am so very okay with it. HiHi threw an amazing party where I was surrounded by friends and family. I had them paint pictures of me, for me. How they saw me. These pictures are now all hanging in my hallway to remind me that I am awesome and so are they. I get to see them every day. They look at me and I look at them. Sometimes I just stand there and take in each individual one that was created at the hands of those I love. I think I had the best birthday idea EVER…just sayin’. Bwahahahaha.  I have sat countless hours talking to others and trying to help them understand the illness that we share. I have lifted their spirits at times when I couldn’t even lift my own. I have melted and been molded back together, by myself and others. I have had my ass kicked by bipolar disorder countless times this year.  I have been humbled time and time again by the circumstances of others. I accept the appropriate lesson from it and strive to make things better. I have made others smile and laugh. I have brought comfort to those who needed it.

I “heard” from a friend, that she was safe and happy. I met a woman this year that I waited 20 years to meet and she has shown me as much as I her. She text me last night right after midnight and again it almost bought me to tears because it again showed me that the “coincidence” of life, isn’t always “coincidence”.  I rekindled a friendship that I lost 20 years ago. Seems 20 years was a huge milestone this year. I lost an old friend who decided to marry a new friend this year. I had my 2^nd annual New Year’s Eve breakfast which proved to be vastly different from last years. Kind of sad really, not that it wasn’t fun still but sad just the same. I have watched as a couple of friends gained that which they wanted so badly and others lose all that they hoped for, sometimes repeatedly. I have cried for them, although they do not know it, it is about them, not me. I became a GODMOTHER last week and I am so honored and thrilled to have this happen.  He is a beautiful baby boy and I am proud and thankful to call his mother my best friend.  I have seen my favorite cousin have his 2^nd book published and felt so proud again that I have seen this come to fruition. He doesn’t know it yet but his books are going to be great sellers, I know, I feel it.

I didn’t find the man of my dreams, I don’t think. I found someone that makes me over think things because we are very different. I don’t know what will happen with it from day to day. I know of many men that want to date or just sleep with me. I don’t know where that will go from day to day, I am flattered yet wary.

I have hurt some people with my words when that wasn’t my intention and others I have shred apart with that being my soul purpose at the time. Don’t screw with me too much or those I love because I will find a way to destroy.

I am eternally grateful for the wonderful people in my life. The “real” ones know who they are, the ones that think they are the “real” ones but aren’t sure, yea, you aren’t. THOSE PEOPLE KNOW IF THEY ARE WHO I REFER TO. I am blessed beyond belief to be alive another year and to be able to try to improve my ways of motherhood and friendship. I am not always the best friend or mother, I know this and I am harder on myself about it than anyone else could ever be. I am not perfect and never will be. There are so many things I want to do, I have a list, and I don’t know where to start or how to do them. I will do my best to figure it out. Sometimes I feel like I want to die, this year has started out good because I am ready to live.

 

I LOVE DRAMA….SAID, NO ONE EVER!

I’m sitting at Stacey Q’s house with TiffyCanoe, getting ready to have a drink and a few more laughs before heading home to my boring, quiet life in my sad little apartment with Eyeore. NOT! I love my apartment, I love my boys, I love Eyeore, I love my weekday boredom being the 2000’s version of June Cleaver. Mostly right now, I LOVE my friends. I have been taking in stories, complaints, thoughts and solutions about drama. Family drama, friend drama, work drama, stranger drama, and of course your own personal innermost never tell anyone drama.

We all have drama despite how much we “hate it”. Every time we bitch about someone, we create it. Every time we fight with someone, we create it. Every time we can’t make up our damn minds, we have it. We decide to have sex with someone, yep just invited it in.  May as well just get used to it, embrace it and start saying that we LOVE it.

I heard TiffyCanoe tell a family drama story a little while ago that made me laugh so hard and double snort that I actually wished I had been part of her family that day.   It was like a National Lampoon movie script and if the day ever comes that I am cruising down the aisle for the 4^th time to the sounds of “Smack my Bitch Up”, I will definitely give a chuckle to the memory.

Drama involving your own children has got to be the worst, regardless of their age but the older they get the harder it is because you have to face the inevitable “I have to let them go and do it on their own” scenario. When we are young, I don’t think that we realize some of the things our own parents thought about and had to face but as our children grow up, we start to realize how difficult it must have been for them sometimes. It is hard to give good substantial advice, have them look at you like you are a complete moron and then walk away knowing they won’t listen to a word you say at this moment in time and that they will wind up hurting, just like you did all those years ago. Trial and error and our own individual journey, all we can do is try to give them the tools they will need and then sit back and watch. Girl, you know who you are, yes I am talking to you, take a deep breath  and TRY not to worry too much, she will be okay. It’s just going to take a while.

This last week I have been thinking a lot about some super ancient drama that I feel like I need to address and I think that it deserves to be done in a public forum because this person deserves that. When I was very young, barely 18, I had a friend. She was a very good friend that I had known forever it seemed and we had played together as kids, hung out together as teens, when she moved south I even went to go visit her family there. I started “dating” this man and we decided to get married. He had already started the process of separating me from all of my friends and family that he could. He was/is still a total narcissist. One day I was talking about visiting her again and he tells me something that he knows will throw me off and keep me from talking to her. Deep down I knew it couldn’t be true but he had me believing everything he said, so I never spoke with her again until about a year ago. I thought of her many, many times over the years and thanks to Facebook we found each other. I always thought about how badly it sucked for it to be like this but never really put much thought in to how she must have felt personally.  She was very close to my family and apparently she came to my house one day shortly after all this and my grandmother told her that I didn’t want to talk to her anymore because of what she did, when she never did anything. I am sure she was confused and hurt and to have to hear this from my grandma, a woman that she respected and cared about must have been the worst. I am sorry for this my friend, I can’t even express how much. I, angry pumpkin, cannot find the right word, “worst” was the best I could do and that’s like a 2 on a scale of 1-10. My heart sinks that grandma is not here for me to stand in front of her and tell her what an idiot I am, I did have a talk with her though. I think I may be mostly sorry that I took away from you that last little bit of time that she had to play rummy. Thank you for being such an awesome person that you “get it”.

Happily brought to you by Angry Pumpkin the Drama Queen.

ONE THINGS FOR SURE….LOVE STINKS

This blog we are going to get down and dirty so I am adding a disclaimer. **ANYONE  related to me, especially MOM, you may want to think twice or 3 times about reading further because this could end up totally innocent or totally not, I don’t know yet.**  Ha, so there you have it, the choice is now yours!

This post, well, as you can see from the title is about love. Good love, bad love, here love, there love, up love, down love, where the F**K is my love, LOVE! Love is addictive, fun, sad and a pain in the ass. Why do we crave it so and then cry over it. It’s stupid, we must be stupid. How do you control your heart or emotions or your mind for that matter? Why do we make mental lists of what we want and need and then when we finally find someone with all those qualities, at least 98% of them, do we decide to throw them to the curb because they drink hot sauce out of the little cup. I mean really? My BFF HiHi says that I have to decide what I can live with and what I can’t. I don’t know what those things are, they are case by case as you know and no man has passed (as of yet). Instead of a sign that says, “take a number and wait your turn” it should say, “ don’t bother taking a number, take me on a date, make me happy and then go away because in 3 days I won’t be answering your texts anyways”! Whoo, that’s a mouthful or sign full I suppose. Why is that? Trust issues? Boredom? They aren’t good enough? I’m not good enough? After 4 years maybe I just don’t want your S**T in my house. Anyone, anyone? Bueller. Bueller?

I am a self-proclaimed over thinker. I admit it and can’t control it. I don’t know how to stop my thought process; I don’t know how to meditate. I have been trying by order of the therapist but thus far have been unsuccessful.  I am the person next to you in yoga class with racing thoughts figuring out exactly which path to take home to get the most done.  I am a nitpicker. What can I say; I am getting old and set in my CDO ways. I like things my way and cringe at the thought of having to “bend” to accommodate another living in my home one day while at the same time yearning for it. I am obviously psychotic and in desperate need of a medication change. Besides love there are practical reasons for wanting a man around and no, I don’t need you to fix things, I got that covered! The help with bills, household cleaning and such, child rearing (no they don’t need another daddy but sometimes a man saying “NO” is more effective than mom saying it). I had CPS called on me by ADHD (my ex-a dick head dad) and his partner Ankles (she’s 3 feet below a C**T) during our recent court battle because they wanted to try to dig something up. Of course CPS walked in and shook their heads wondering why they were here EXCEPT for the fact that I have bipolar disorder and Riverside County apparently likes to take children away from parents with mental illness especially if there is no “partner” in the home to help out. WOW! Can you say “mail order groom”?

When ADHD first cheated with Ankles and knocked her up and we split/divorced I wanted no part of keeping men. I wanted you all but didn’t want to keep you. I had no reason to, in my head you all sucked. In the last couple of years I have been coming out of it and I actually even had a 6 month relationship with a complete douche but I kept him around for super-secret reasons plus companionship. Now, I am trying not to run but I am a runner. I will find a reason to go and I will go. Fast. There is always a pre-cursor though. Something sets me off, something you do or say that isn’t right, doesn’t sit well with me, turns my over thinker up to high. I HAVE been making the conscious decision NOT to run though! HiHi says I need to be alone. I don’t want to be alone. The holidays are coming again and even though I can go to someone’s house if my boys are gone or even if they are here, I always have to come home…alone. It is getting depressing. I look at my friends and I am jealous. I look at aunts, parents, uncles, exes and well, woe is me. Eyeore and I, ha-ha, he is the only male that gets to sleep with me on a regular basis! Go Eyeore! These things I know. I am not unattractive, I am not unintelligent (this surprises a lot of people), I am funny and fun to be around and I am passionate and caring. I know that even if I am turned in to a zombie during the apocolypse I will still be attractive (picture provided). Some man out there will be very happy when he finds me. So will I.

Grandpa told me recently, “You will know when you are in love”. I believe him. Now I just wait, like with the worms.

We Will Always Be the Angry Pumpkins Out of Control

Sis on (L) Stef on (R) and me in front. Probably about 1986.

Here I sit, FINALLY, ready to blog you out. I want to be fun; I am fun 2/3 of the time. When I am fun, I am funny. I have not been too much fun lately. I wanted to write fun, and then I wanted to write real. What you hopefully are going to get is understanding. I am Dorothy; I live on the outskirts of Kansas with my little pug Eyeore because I never made it back home after that tornado hit.

Last year, I thought I had come home but this year it is apparent to me that I haven’t yet. Maybe a bit closer but not quite there. Many of you know the story I shall tell but how many actually realize how much it affects me? I was just talking with a good friend and it seems we may be in agreement as to the how and whys. I am not searching for your sympathy, I am searching for a way to release my soul and writing it once instead of verbalizing it may be the way. This is the story of my October.

October has always been a bit of a full month in my family as we have many birthdays…aunts, uncles, cousins but a couple of decades ago it turned from all joy to sorrow. At the end of September 1992, nine days after their 50th wedding anniversary, my grandfather, Frank, died from cancer. Four weeks to the day later, on the night of my mother’s birthday, my grandmother, Pearl, was pronounced brain dead from an aneurysm. They say that you can’t die from a broken heart, they are wrong. I was extremely close to my grandparents, we were friends. They were life in many ways. I was 20 years old. I have missed them more than I could ever describe to you. I look at my oldest son and I can see my grandfather. The eyebrows, the eyes, the shape of his face. Life goes on and it has become easier over the years to just live day to day without wallowing in it. This year marks 20 years that they have been gone, I miss them but I thought I would feel a greater sadness, instead I got together with a couple of cousins and my aunt and we laughed and remembered at the cemetery, it was the first time I hadn’t cried there and it was nice. I think I realized that my grandparents know how much I love them, I was able to say these things to them prior to their passing and they were able to say them back to me, I will hold on to those words forever. They are a part of my memories.

So why do I sit here on the morning of October 20th, feeling like I do? Tears streaming down my face, snot sniffling in my nose? It goes back to the year before my grandparents died, to the reason I believe I was able to make it through what happened with them. It goes back to my friend Stef.

Shortly after midnight on October 20, 1991, the young woman that had been my best friend, soul mate like, died in a car accident on a road with virtually no lighting or houses, on the corner of 2 cross streets where there still lies a field of nothing. Nothing except the thought of what happened that night. The thought of the sounds and lights, the aftermath, the stories from those who came across the scene. When she died, we were just starting to bounce back from a little trip to outsville because of untruths told by someone else, but whatever, teenagers are stupid right? How could this be? She was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and sociable; everyone loved her, I LOVED HER. We had fun; we were virtually inseparable for years. We would do stupid things like write letters to each other and then pass them across the room to read them, just because we didn’t feel like talking at the time. I still have one, the only one I saved and funny enough, the date on it is October 20th, probably 4 years before she died. I have lots of things still, I have the newspaper article, the obituary, the leaflet from her viewing, the dress of hers that I wore to the 8th grade dance, I have Harry the hand puppet that at one point we took everywhere with us (please don’t ask why). I have so many memories and so many things I can’t remember (again, don’t ask why, LOL).

What I don’t have is any closure. I thought I had obtained it last year when I started therapy on the 20th anniversary of her death. I felt weights lifted and I still do a little. For two decades I would literally have anxiety attacks when people I loved left my side be it in a car, vacation, walking, didn’t matter. I couldn’t breathe, I would cry uncontrollably. I just knew that they were never coming back, I would never get to say goodbye or I love you. I sometimes still do with my kids but it’s much milder now but still, here I sit, feeling like this. Why? I don’t want to. It doesn’t feel nice, I certainly don’t need more drama in my life but I can’t seem to let it go. I feel like a crazy lady, I feel stupid, repressed. Cuz J and I went to talk to a medium that our friend knows, back in February of this year. I am a believer and Cuz J is a skeptic. Most of the session was jumbled together until the very end when we were wrapping it up and Stef stepped forward. Now you can believe or not believe but I am here to tell you that IT WAS Stef, I guarantee it and I think even Cuz J was amazed by it. This woman told me things that nobody could have known and if I could transcribe it here for you, I would, maybe I will someday because I do have it on CD. She told me she was happy and okay and that she loved me and was with me (the condensed version) and she did offer up a few things to validate that it was indeed her, including the pumpkins, which is where my name stems from. When we were much younger, Stef, Cuz J, his bestie RJ-my pseudo hubby and I went out on the town. We ended up hanging out at Mira Lynn Park and back in those days they had a big Cinderella pumpkin carriage that rocked like you were riding in it. We decided (for whatever reason) that we were forming a band and even did a photo shoot (fake of course, no camera phones back then) for our album cover. Our band was christened “ANGRY PUMPKINS OUT OF CONTROL” and that is who we remain. Stef brought that up the night of the medium (RJ was there but not in the room with us). I suppose it was her way of saying that she knew we were all together in that one place.

I have been to visit that place many times over the years. Sometimes just to look from the car but the last few times to actually wander the field. I have been 3 times this week for different reasons and took pictures each time. Today we met a woman that lives on the corner where it happened. She was having a small yard sale. We asked how long she had been there and about the many accidents that have taken place there. She moved in to her home in October 1991, presumably just days after the accident because it was one she couldn’t remember. She was selling a glass ornament, which I bought. It is a dove holding a small olive branch. I have tried everything else, maybe a dove of peace from the place where this all happened is exactly what I need.

Bottom line is this. Everyone makes it sound so simple “to move on”, “you have to let go”. I can’t figure out how. I don’t want to do this every year for the rest of my life. I thought the therapy was closure, and then I thought the medium was closure but apparently I have been wrong.
I have a deck of self -care cards and one of them somehow got from where I keep them to a drawer in the kitchen where I just found it yesterday. The picture on the front is an old set of broken stairs and it is the “ACTION” card. The quote on the back is this, “Take action. The journey to find your lost self begins with one step”. Someone please tell me what that step is, one that I haven’t tried. One that will allow Dorothy to find her way home.