BIGGER THAN THE UNIVERSE

I just found this here in my drafts. I wrote this October 25th but never posted it. I guess at the time it wasn’t finished or maybe it was too raw. Right now as I sit here reading it, I have tears running down my face. It is Christmas Eve and it is not supposed to feel like this. We should all be happy and lighthearted, none of us are. You are both brimming with frustration for the emotion you still can’t wrap your head around. You say that you feel like you don’t even have a real dad anymore because he changed his last name. I know that you feel abandoned in some way and all I can do is love you and make sure you know how wonderful you are, both of you. One day you will understand that your dad is just ridiculous and has shown no real concern for anyone but himself and Ankles. This does NOT in any way mean that any part of what you are feeling is ridiculous. Yes, part of you is your dad and part me but please realize that you both have a part that is only you and can be nobody else. It is that space you feel a little empty in as you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Figuring out who you are is a hard job so don’t be tough on yourself. Follow your inner voice and you will be fine. I love you and if I asked you how much, I can hear your voices say, “more than the universe, you love us more than the universe” One day maybe you can read these posts and have a better idea at who your mother is and how hard she really did try.

October 25, 2013

To my amazing little guys;

I was just walking down the hall and I happened to glance over into your room. I noticed that yet again you were both sleeping in the same bed and I started to wonder. I know that you say you are scared, but I have to wonder is it the monster under your bed or the one we call life. The monster that is being created for you. I suppose I should say the monster that has been created yet perpetually grows larger as you grow older. The one that your parents have created. I see the doubt creep across your faces sometimes and it hurts me to know that you don’t trust. You are afraid that you will fall and you don’t know where you will land. I can’t blame your father for everything, after all, I figured it would be easier not rocking the boat and now I know I should have just capsized the damn thing. If I had stood up before, then maybe they wouldn’t have felt so superior in the fight and maybe I would be more steady right now. I don’t know how to fix it just yet but I am working on it. It’s like we are living in a vicious circle and just can’t get out. I try to lay down the law and you test your boundaries and don’t listen. I get frustrated and angry and sometimes yell and these days sometimes I cry. I know that you are confused and you have things going on in your little heads that you don’t understand. Emotions that you don’t know what to think of. I understand because your mom is going through it too. How can I expect things from you that even I can’t do. I am so hard on myself and rightly so sometimes. I don’t want to see you be like that though because it is no way to live. I need to make changes for me, you , and us.

I love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I am living, my babies you will be.

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ANOTHER CHANCE

 

Tonight I have something very important to say. Not everyone will know what I am talking about but those close to me will and for now, that is all that matters. Those close to me will also have opinions on the part involving a man and I know them all, trust me, I have heard you all. What you don’t know is the other side but that doesn’t even matter anymore. What matters is that I am grateful to be sitting in my bed, writing this, regardless of the confusion and jumbled thoughts floating through. My inability to grasp what has happened, at least completely.

I caused an accident this weekend that thankfully hurt nobody but me, and my pain is more emotional than physical. I have lost about 4 hours of my night and have struggled to let my control freak self-go so that I can accept this is how it is. The accident only involved me and my car. My guardian angel wasn’t looking out for me; she was looking out for everybody else.

I have been so wrapped up in drama created by others that I realize I have started to lose who I am and what I believe in. I am in love with a man; I have been for a long time. He isn’t perfect but neither am I. I understand him although like most, I think he struggles to understand me. I have said before that I am like a puzzle that you take so much time to put together but at the end, there are still pieces missing. You can still see the beauty but it isn’t complete. The drama came to a head this weekend and I lost it, and him. Maybe this is how it is supposed to be but it still hurts me. Is he an asshole? Yes he can be but if you saw what I see in his eyes and the things he has taught me, you would understand.

How do I know I love him? I’m doing my normal things differently. Instead of running from, I keep running to. I don’t want anyone else, at least not at this point. We can be friends but anything else is probably going to have to wait. It is going to take me some time before I am ready (that in itself speaks volumes). This man asked me to marry him and I said yes. I was going to. Now it is over and I am sorry for my part in it.  Anyways, enough about that for now, it will all work itself out. Somehow. 

I have been given another chance to take the reins in my life and make it my own. I am done with everyone’s drama; I have enough shit on my own plate to work on. If you want to have an intelligent conversation about something affecting your life, my life or our life, then by all means let’s do it. If you are looking at trying to keep me down or screw up my life with bullshit and lies then kindly fuck off.

I am sorry if you take offense to this and I know in the past I have overloaded myself trying to help everyone or be there for everyone but I realize that I just can’t. I am truly wondering if I know who all my real friends are anymore. That makes me sad.