I have been taking a stroll through my mind this last week. I suppose it has actually been more of a rugged hike. I have found small cracks and huge crevices in the surface of my being, thank the universe that I never fell in to one. I have seen small joys in my mind’s eye and even had a few laughs. I do have to say that those laughs felt more like a stressed out manic overload. I have been shown such care and concern and yet I feel as if I am alone. I logically know that I am not. I have a phone full of names that would be overjoyed to hear from me and a computer with people ready to spar with me intellectually, emotionally, stupidly and yea probably even sexually.
SIDE NOTE: I only added the “probably” because mom may be reading this, Bwahahahaha.
I know who I am, mostly, but damn I am having a hell of a time grabbing myself and returning to earth. I think it may be the disappointment that I feel so deeply in myself. I know that everyone makes mistakes but I am so hard on myself. I don’t know how to “let it go” when it comes to myself. Hell, I hardly know how to let it go when it comes to others. I am a championship grudge holder. I am holding a big grudge against myself. I am writing it all here because I feel like when I say it aloud to somebody all I hear come out of my mouth is, “woe is me”. Pathetic. That of course makes it worse because now not only am I holding a grudge, disappointed and depressed, now I am pathetic too. FUCK!
I have been thinking of something the last week and I have only shared it once but I am going to lay it out here right now. Have you ever thought, in the deep “what is life” sort of way, that for one person to make it, another has to go? I survived, so far physically, my ordeal last Friday night but early Saturday morning another woman that many of my friends know through our riding adventures, died. It was a totally freak accident really. She was riding her motorcycle north on the freeway and a truck that was driving south apparently hit a side ditch, lost control and hit the middle concrete barrier. It is my understanding that the concrete broke apart and one of the pieces flew to the other side of the freeway, striking her. She left this world at the scene of the accident. I feel so much for this and I did not even know her. Logically I know it was her time and not mine but why? She was 41 and her funeral is tomorrow, ironically the same day as my 41st birthday. Wendy, I didn’t know you personally but through my friends and feeling their pain I know you were a beautiful soul.
I am trying, just so everyone knows, to climb out of this but it has been like a double whammy for me. Please know that I am not looking for your sympathy, I am just trying to climb and I thought this might help, putting it all down. I love myself, I do. I love my family and friends. I love my boys more than the universe (that’s what they would say). I am struggling now. This lesson is hard and I don’t know how to solve it…yet.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
I loved reading your thoughts and emotions.
Thank you 🙂 I am full of both all of the time. This past week has surely thrown me in to super over thinker mode. It is almost like wandering through a mall, there is so much to look at but you still really don’t SEE anything. Aimless over thinking. Does that even make sense?