I just found this here in my drafts. I wrote this October 25th but never posted it. I guess at the time it wasn’t finished or maybe it was too raw. Right now as I sit here reading it, I have tears running down my face. It is Christmas Eve and it is not supposed to feel like this. We should all be happy and lighthearted, none of us are. You are both brimming with frustration for the emotion you still can’t wrap your head around. You say that you feel like you don’t even have a real dad anymore because he changed his last name. I know that you feel abandoned in some way and all I can do is love you and make sure you know how wonderful you are, both of you. One day you will understand that your dad is just ridiculous and has shown no real concern for anyone but himself and Ankles. This does NOT in any way mean that any part of what you are feeling is ridiculous. Yes, part of you is your dad and part me but please realize that you both have a part that is only you and can be nobody else. It is that space you feel a little empty in as you figure out your strengths and weaknesses. Figuring out who you are is a hard job so don’t be tough on yourself. Follow your inner voice and you will be fine. I love you and if I asked you how much, I can hear your voices say, “more than the universe, you love us more than the universe” One day maybe you can read these posts and have a better idea at who your mother is and how hard she really did try.
October 25, 2013
To my amazing little guys;
I was just walking down the hall and I happened to glance over into your room. I noticed that yet again you were both sleeping in the same bed and I started to wonder. I know that you say you are scared, but I have to wonder is it the monster under your bed or the one we call life. The monster that is being created for you. I suppose I should say the monster that has been created yet perpetually grows larger as you grow older. The one that your parents have created. I see the doubt creep across your faces sometimes and it hurts me to know that you don’t trust. You are afraid that you will fall and you don’t know where you will land. I can’t blame your father for everything, after all, I figured it would be easier not rocking the boat and now I know I should have just capsized the damn thing. If I had stood up before, then maybe they wouldn’t have felt so superior in the fight and maybe I would be more steady right now. I don’t know how to fix it just yet but I am working on it. It’s like we are living in a vicious circle and just can’t get out. I try to lay down the law and you test your boundaries and don’t listen. I get frustrated and angry and sometimes yell and these days sometimes I cry. I know that you are confused and you have things going on in your little heads that you don’t understand. Emotions that you don’t know what to think of. I understand because your mom is going through it too. How can I expect things from you that even I can’t do. I am so hard on myself and rightly so sometimes. I don’t want to see you be like that though because it is no way to live. I need to make changes for me, you , and us.
I love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I am living, my babies you will be.